'I'm writing a novel.'
'Yes, neither am I.'
That Peter Cook sketch quote sums up my writing nicely.
Unlike the distinguished authors of this blog site, I've
never written a book. Well, I've never written a book that's been published. Mostly,
this is because I rarely complete them – the cardinal sin for any writer. My
dedication to the hard graft wanes with my mediocrity (evident with sentences
like that one).
Yet, despite this, I feel compelled to keep going.
I can't help myself. My imagination knows no bounds. Story
ideas come to me all the time. Granted, most are of dubious merit, but I note
them all down regardless.
I'd like to share some of the better ones with you for this
blog. I'll let you decide on their quality. Some are little more than a title.
Some I nearly finished. All are stories currently untold.
Four Funerals and an Apocalypse -. A quest to kill
the Four Horsemen before they bring about the end of the world. A black comedy
starring a hapless Hugh Grant-style hero set in fantasy times.
The Vegan Undead – what do zombies eat when they can't stomach flesh? The
greengrocer on Supernatural Street sees a business opportunity—a new spin on
getting your five-a-day.
Murderaware.org – an anonymous self-help counselling
service for murderers. Think Samaritans for Serial Killers.
The Needs of the Many – dystopian environmental
sci-fi about overpopulation. And its sequel, The Land of Hand Me Downs –
the story continues after fresh resources run out.
Of Lice and Men – a head louse
detective and his pensioner host investigate the Suicide Bug. "A head-scratcher."
The Night Clubber – a killer is brutally murdering
the city's clubbers, but the police have no clue as to his identity – no
witnesses, no CCTV, no DNA. He simply vanishes into the night. Renowned
internet crank Percy McSoftly claims the killer is supernatural, linking the
murders to similar cases from a century earlier. But ghosts don't exist. Do
they?
The Hand-Out Error – a pharmaceutical inspector
investigates a pharmacy incident where a patient died after receiving the wrong
medication. The processes point to human error, but something doesn't add up.
Could it be murder?
Back For More – "Secrets can't stay hidden
forever." Roy has everything: a loving family, a high-flying career and a
secret capable of tearing it all apart. His first wife knows what it is. Now
she's back for more.
Samberly Cliffs – Robert Sangster declared in his will that his property,
Samberly Cliffs, be torn down after his death and the land remain undeveloped,
an instruction his nephew Jeremy, the lone beneficiary, has no intention of
following. Ignoring the local folklore of monsters lurking in the caves below and
the proximity to an infamous cliff-top suicide spot, Jeremy intends to turn a
profit. The renovations are only the start of his problems. Think "Homes
Under The Hammer Films".
From Death to Divinity: The Sacred Heart of Sagemore Hospital
– Father Jack Muldoon can't find the words to pray as his mother undergoes
a revolutionary heart operation. He lost his faith many years ago as an army pastor.
Then, religious fanatics attack the hospital, taking everyone hostage. Can he
stop them in time to save his mom's life? Think "Die Hard in a Hospital"
with a bloody twist.
Then there was this one that came so close – fully outlined,
half written, then I lost confidence.
Luck be a Lady (Paisley Curse Book One) – In an alternative present-day
Paisley, dubbed Britain's unluckiest town, Basil returns home, having lost his
job, his girlfriend and his last living relative. Feeling cursed and all alone,
except for Prince, his deceased grandmother's mongrel, he reconnects with old
friend Shuggie and dreams of reuniting with his first crush, Lydia, whilst
joining the local dog walkers' fight to save the local beauty spot. In doing
so, he discovers that luck is not entirely a game of chance, especially when up
against Council Leader Edith McKie. To save the Braes and win his girl, it's
going to take Basil a lot more than 'lucky white heather' to break his Paisley
Curse. Odds are he's going to lose everything.
Finally, I give you my current work in progress, a tale so
long in the telling it will be historical fiction by the time it's completed. I'm
on my third draft.
School of Thought – 'a disabled teenager enrols her mind at an
extraordinary school in the clouds.' Think Hogwarts meets Alice in Wonderland.
So, why submit this piece to a crime writers' blog? I
believe not writing these stories is a crime. I’m guilty as charged.
Punishment: write two thousand words a day until published.
(all art generated by
Microsoft's new Copilot – it likes cute – it doesn't like murder)
Blog originally submitted to Murder is Everywhere 7th Feb 2025
