Careful now. Much-loved comedian and actor Ardal O’Hanlon will be neither small nor far away but on stage in the Albert Halls to discuss his crime fiction debut. The star of Father Ted, My Hero, and Death in Paradise has previously written two novels but has now turned to crime with A Plot to Die For, the first in a dazzling new mystery series.
It’s small-town Ireland meets big-time murder as a celebrity gardener tries to solve a killing or two amid the fanatical fever of the annual Tidy Towns competition.
Ardal will be in conversation with guest programmer Denise Mina.
Tickets £14.75/£13.75 incl bf
I have loved Ardal as a stand-up comedian ever since I heard him tell this joke on TV:
"So condoms, they're useless, aren't they? They're useless and they're ineffective and they burst and your stomach just can't cope with the sudden impact of two kilos of cocaine, eh?"
I've seen him perform many times, but a lesser-known fact about him is that he is also an author. He was here to discuss his new book, "A Plot To Die For".
His previous books featured crimes but weren't marketed as crime novels. This one was, quite deliberately. Ardal isn't so keen on the term cosy crime, but agrees it fits that genre. He wrote the book with the intention of it becoming a series, but had to do a lot of research into gardening, as he is not much into it in real life - certainly not enough to pull off pretending to be one of the nation's top 4 TV gardening experts.
Originally, he had the idea for the second murder in the book while working on Death in Paradise. He kept it to himself, though, as if he'd told it to the producers, they'd probably have used it themselves in the programme.
When he writes, he blocks off six months to complete the draft, working rigidly from ten till five each day. He outlines using 'lily pads', as he calls them, knowing he has to hop from pad to pad to reach the conclusion. Then, he combs through the work to ensure all the threads tie up.
Denise, again, was a fantastic interviewer, swearing occasionally but affectionately. She was fully invested in drawing out the best from a slightly shy performer.
And that was all I did this year at Bloody Scotland. Five events, but still worth the travelling.
My pal Belinda Bauer knows how to back a great debut author and gave this quote to Frances Crawford's "A Bad, Bad Place":
A young man is accused of shooting his mother amid money problems. But she may have fired the weapon herself.
This enthralling courtroom drama, written by Douglas Skelton and based on a vintage case (but updated) and starring real-life lawyers Laura Thomson KC and Frances McMenamin KC, forensic experts Professors Lorna Dawson and Dr James Grieve, and chartered psychologist Professor Lara Frumkin, along with court staff, will show you how a trial really works.
Forget the histrionics and cries of objection. Forget a tetchy judge banging a gavel. This is a compelling, true-to-life theatrical experience made even more realistic by taking place in a working courtroom.
And you could be on the jury!
Sponsored by The Faculty of Advocates.
Tickets £10.75/£9.75 incl bf
Stirling Sheriff Court
This is my second time in court for a murder case. Last time, I was a witness. This time, thankfully, the case was fictional.
After my ticket was scanned and I was handed a numbered copy of the indictment, I passed through security (a proper check, given we were in an actual courtroom) and headed upstairs. My wife couldn't attend, so I ended up chatting to the woman beside me in the gallery (that sounds bad, but I swear I'm innocent), pointing out that the person playing the accused was Callum McSorley, and that another grey-haired gentleman was Douglas Skelton, the author of the piece. She talked about Lee Child and Reacher.
The indictment
I saw some others taking photos, so I snapped this one below. It wasn't until later that the clerk of the court told us it was a crime, punishable by a fine and up to two years in prison. Whoops!
It wasn't me.
He then explained how the event would play out. Fifteen jurors would be selected at random, based on the number listed on our indictment sheet. The lady next to me was called, so we all had to shuffle along the row to let her out. While we were doing so, I thought I heard my number, but wasn't sure. I panicked for a moment, not wanting to go if I'd been wrong, but also not wanting to stay and look like a fool as the only one missing. I confirmed with another audience member that they'd heard my number and headed down to the jurors' seats, three rows of five.
Best seats in the house, the person on my right whispered. From here, we were sworn in, and the presiding judge explained how the case would proceed. Unlike a real case, we would not be sent away to deliberate. Instead, we would raise our hand in favour of one judgement or the other.
The defence and prosecution called and questioned several witnesses and professional experts. As you might expect from a fictional case, the evidence wasn't cut-and-dried. I felt he was guilty and voted accordingly, but I was in the minority. If we had gone to deliberation, I'm sure I could have persuaded some to find him guilty, given my interpretation of the evidence and how it was presented.
Image from Douglas Skelton FB post.
A fascinating trip into the legal system, one I hope to avoid for real for a long time.
8 Out of 10 Crime Writers Do Countdown
Saturday 19th September - 21:45
There will be consonants and vowels; there will be numbers and conundrums. There will be Steve Cavanagh, Andi Osho, Mark Billingham and Liz Nugent. There will be a lot of laughs and more than a bit of chaos.
Craig Robertson will be in control (?!) of proceedings and an unruly bunch of crime writers. He will be ably assisted by Luca Veste on numbers and Elly Griffiths in Dictionary Corner. We are legally obliged to state that this event will bear no resemblance to a certain Channel 4 show with a strikingly similar format and name.
Tickets £14.75/£13.75 incl bf
Steve Cavanagh couldn't attend, so Abir Mukherjee stepped in at short notice. It became obvious during Craig Robertson's introductions (in the Jimmy Carr role, making no attempt at the idiosyncratic laugh) that Abir was not familiar with the C4 show. Abir was paired with Andi Osho, and Mark Billingham with Liz Nugent, with Elly Griffiths in Dictionary Corner and Luca Veste doing his best Rachel Riley (not in costume). He pinned the letters and numbers to a whiteboard using magnets.
Andi and Abir
Elly
Liz and Mark
Craig Robertson
Proceedings were shambolic but in a fun way. Like the C4 show, panellists got to bring a mascot, with Mark Billingham explaining how much he loves Irn Bru, getting a crate of twenty-four delivered every fortnight. Abir's 'family heirlooms' of a plush dinosaur and a tall tartan hat were so recently purchased they still had the Sale price tag on.
Often, the audience did better than the contestants. The scoring was a mess, with points awarded when they hadn't been earned, and no one got the Countdown Conundrum.
That said, Abir's confusion over the Carrot in a Box round got huge laughs.
I hope they don't repeat the event next year and instead spend more time coming up with something better.
A Pipe Band procession arrived at the Albert Halls prior to this event.
Denise Mina presents Lee Child
Friday 18th September - 18:45
We welcome back a legend of the genre and the creator of possibly the most iconic protagonist in thriller fiction. Lee Child has many imitators, but he and Jack Reacher remain the gold standard to which they all aspire. Travelling with just the clothes on his back and a toothbrush, Reacher is a hero for the ages.
Over the course of 30 pulsating novels, Lee has sold an incredible 100 million books, which have been adapted into two movies starring Tom Cruise and a hit TV series. He will look back on an extraordinary career with guest programmer Denise Mina.
Tickets: £14.75 each
The first of the Giants of Crime Fiction events (it's not called that, but they are both tall). It sold out in less than a day.
Lee is eloquent, urbane and down-to-earth. He had the audience rapt with stories of childhood, working in the theatre, and getting fired from TV (leaving him with only seven months' worth of mortgage money in the bank, which gave him the impetus to write and sell his first Reacher).
He told us how he is a voracious reader, getting through six books a week. He has no qualms about Tom Cruise playing Reacher, because it gave him a $200 million promotional showcase for his work, more than enough to ignore the height disparity between actor and character.
Denis Mina is a lovely interviewer, matching Lee for charisma. She gave him the space to tell his stories and gently steered the conversation forward at the right moments. The pair obviously share a mutual admiration, as he accepted Mina's invite to attend Bloody Scotland over one from the Queen.
Richard Osman with Mark Billingham
Friday 18th September - 20:15
When Richard Osman last appeared at Bloody Scotland in 2019, he was an unpublished author best known for presenting Pointless and House of Games. Fast-forward seven years, and things have changed remarkably. Beginning with The Thursday Murder Club, Richard has broken all sorts of records in the process of becoming a global publishing phenomenon.
His novels have sold an incredible 17 million books worldwide and have been translated into 40 languages. His new thriller We Chase Shadows races from Italy to Palm Springs to Barcelona in pursuit of a killer. Richard will be interviewed by fellow bestselling crime writer Mark Billingham.
Tickets: 2x £14 & £1.50 fee = £29.50
The second event was cosy, with the friendly pair discussing Richard's two crime series and his favourite ice cream flavour (Mint Choc Chip). Richard's novels always start with the characters, and then he wonders what they get up to. His favourite books growing up were the Famous 5 books. Mark pointed out that The Thursday Murder Club also has two males, two females and a dog. We learned that Richard is the decade's best-selling author.
The conversation also moved on to Richard's TV work and how excited he is to see Michael Sheen as the quizmaster. Richard regards the week Mark was on as one of the best, most competitive weeks ever of HoG. Mark is annoyed now that he didn't win a dartboard, only receiving a fondue set from his time on the show. He might go back to try to win one with Michael Sheen's face on it.
Our second consecutive tribute show. I'd been curious to see this band after hearing great things. My wife had also recently returned from Liverpool, so she was eager to see them, too.
We arrived after the doors had opened, so the queue was only as far as the end of the building. Outside, a busker was murdering a Beatles song on his acoustic guitar. He wasn't getting many donations, so he switched it up to include songs by John Lennon and Oasis. His voice was still shite.
Security was cursory tonight, even though the metal detector shrieked as I went through. Emptying my front pockets and a quick wand sweep were enough to pass through. Loads of youngsters were in attendance, unaccompanied by a supervising adult. They were drinking beer (heavens!) and taking selfies with each other against the murals or with the stage as a backdrop. All very exciting for them.
We chose a spot in the middle of the hall and moved closer as needed, such as when a vivacious drunk stood nearby or when tall people blocked our view. We ended up behind three youths and a short chap in a dapper suit. I was alarmed when I witnessed a drunk man manoeuvre himself behind an unknown woman, whose hands were full carrying drinks back to her pals, and place his hands on her hips to push her through the crowd at pace, causing her to spill the drinks she was carrying. He laughed. She was mortified and furious, apologising to the people she'd soaked. He staggered away, bouncing through the crowd, eventually finding support from another couple of drunks near the front. I watched him threaten to topple forward, only for one of them to grip his shoulder and straighten him up again. He got a talking-to from another, followed by a kiss on the forehead. Happy drunks. You don't really expect this behaviour from someone in their late fifties/early sixties, especially not before the gig has even started.
Dan Parks
Support act Dan Parks is a local lad. He ticks the cheeky Scottish singer-songwriter box, mostly playing his own material on acoustic guitar. He hadn't expected to land the gig when he bought tickets to the show a year ago. His mum, dad, and gran were near the front, and he pointed them out and name-checked them, along with a long list of pals who were there too. I enjoyed his two covers: Handle With Care by the Traveling Wilburys and Johnny B. Goode by Chuck Berry. Maybe if I'd been more familiar with his own stuff, I'd have enjoyed it more. He revelled in being on stage at the Barrowland. (At the end of the night, as the crowd shuffled to the exits, I spotted him being carried aloft by his pals, Escape to Victory-style).
There was a bit of a disturbance before the main act as latecomers pushed in. Nothing violent, just words being exchanged. I get it. You're small and female and want to find a spot where you can see the band, but when you're being led by a big chap and have kids in tow, maybe choose somewhere further back or arrive earlier. A courting couple pushed in beside us, under the pretext of looking for their friends. They got dagger looks from the girls whose view they now blocked. The pair brassnecked it and stayed. His singing voice was so bad, people were turning to frown at him, but he only had eyes for his girlfriend. I suspect she didn't have anyone to compare him with.
The band arrived on stage at 9 pm, as Green Onions came to an end, dressed in their mop-top-era wigs and costumes. The crowd went wild. The girl behind me went into full Beatlemania mode, screaming her lungs out. I was glad I had my earplugs.
The band's look, sound, accents, mannerisms and script were all spot on. Even the way they finished each song with a bow made you feel as if you were witnessing the (actual) Beatles. They rattled through hit after hit, with the crowd singing along and grooving to the dancier numbers. It was brilliant.
My only issue was with the youngsters. It was as if they were conditioned to raise their phones to any song they recognised (which, at a Beatles tribute night, is everything). A sea of screens filled the air at the start of (nearly) every song. I recognise my hypocrisy: I too like to shoot a couple of songs for my YouTube channel, but at least I record the whole song from face height and don't give up after the first chorus, dipping my head to check the footage and instantly sharing it with my friends. These youngsters missed half the gig. Actually, it was more than that, as they disappeared before the encore, probably to catch the last train (the band overran the advertised timings, finishing around 10.40 pm).
The band's transformation into the older Beatles was uncanny. I appreciated how they played the songs in the appropriate outfits, the early material in mop-top style and the later stuff in their hippy look. It gave the material a sense of time, playing it in the correct era. The girl who had been screaming so loudly at the start either lost her voice, moved elsewhere, or realised that such behaviour was inappropriate for the band's trippy period.
It was fun to spot a fifth Beatle on stage from time to time, in the shape of their tour manager, who accompanied them on tambourine at the back. In the second set, they introduced him properly, with him mostly on keyboards, having changed out of his black garb into something bright and striped.
The Barrowland was a brilliant venue to see this band. Through clever lighting, it could not only recreate the intimacy of The Cavern but also showcase the band's superstar nature in their later period. This is why the Barrowland has such a revered, legendary status.
This was certainly as close to seeing the real Beatles as you'll ever get without using a TARDIS.
A Hard Day's Night
The Ballad of John and Yoko
Setlist (The Beatles covers unless otherwise stated)
1962-1966
I Saw Her Standing There
She Loves You
All My Loving
From Me to You
Roll Over Beethoven (Chuck Berry cover)
I Want to Hold Your Hand
I Wanna Be Your Man
Eight Days a Week
A Hard Day's Night
Can't Buy Me Love
I Feel Fine
Help!
Ticket to Ride
Day Tripper
Twist and Shout (The Top Notes cover)
Yesterday (Acoustic inc.Suspicious Minds, Here, There & Everywhere, Blackbird & I’ve Just Seen A Face excerpts)
1967 - 1970
Come Together
Something
Get Back
Don't Let Me Down
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Revolution
Here Comes the Sun
Hey Jude
Encore:
Rock and Roll Music (Chuck Berry cover)
Ticket Price: £35.00 x 2 & Service Fee: £3.50 x 2 & Handling Fee £2.75 = Total £79.75 from Ticketmaster.
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