Marti Pellow, The Private Collection Tour, Royal Concert Hall, Glasgow. Mon 11th June, 2018

Support act, Ben McKelvie, confidently strummed his guitar in a style more akin to Billy Bragg than Ed Sheeran, but with less message, and got me going 'why did I get here early for this.'

When Marti took to the stage, hips swaying and shimmering in his black sequined jacket, the audience dripped vaginally with excitement, like a hen night attending a Magic Marti strip show but with more clothes on. I'd look around and think she's wet, she's wet and she's wet. I get it now. That's where they got the name from.

As the coiffured hotties whooped for their hero, rising to their feet for the old tunes, leaving their husbands and boyfriends sitting, they all soaked up every smile and became faint each time he approached the front or sides of the stage. It didn't matter to them that he had altered the arrangements to make them more groovy and less catchy. They were too dazzled by the spotlights reflecting off his teeth.

When he grabbed a granny from the front row and danced with her for an entire song, the whiff of jealousy in the room was pervasive. As the song continued, I began to wonder if the woman had angina as her dancing slowed to the point of boredom and he had to jolly her up with a grin.

Later, when he sat down at the front of the stage and reflected on being 20 years drink and drug-free, telling a heartfelt tale of being in rehab in Memphis, I was struck by the irony of him being interrupted by multiple drunk lassies screeching that they loved him.

He's still got a great voice and has a stage personality that the ladies love but, to me, this was just an okay gig. My wife, however, rated it very highly, her second favourite gig of the year behind Billy Joel. I guess you had to be standing to appreciate it fully.

Doug Stanhope, 02 Academy, Glasgow. Fri 8th June 2018

I wasn't on Facebook three years ago the last time Doug played Glasgow, also at the same venue. That night, five separate brawls broke out and a total of nine people were ejected. I witnessed the comedy of the bouncers asking the people sitting in row 2 and 3 to step into the aisle so they could break up the punchup in the centre between the two rows. This was during Doug's bit on the mentally challenged vs the mentally ill.

Tonight's gig was a lot friendlier and he said so. He put it down to our recent, unusually-fine weather.

But was he funny?

Starting by reading his post-show public apology, he moved onto bits about the penalties for insulting the King of Thailand, gang rapes by weak Indian men, #metoo, racism, ageism and closed with dead babies, so I'd say, 'Yes, he was'. In context.

He goes to places we don't want to go (Indiana) and finds the angles to make his material original and challenging, not to make a point (often), just for a laugh. Because he finds it funny. Expression of the night: "ocular bukkake".

Sure, some of the audience laughed a little too hard, like they were using the opportunity to express a deep-rooted phlegm ball. Sure, the crappy narrow seats meant the beast beside me (not you, Louise) invaded my space giving me temporary hip dysplasia. Sure, a bearded man chatted me up by tapping me on the shoulder and remarking how much he liked my T-shirt (see below) - so what, I'm comfortable in my clothes (plus he wasn't chatting me up).

But the important thing was I had fun, surely the point of going to see a comedian.

Gary Barlow, The Theatre Tour, BHGE Arena, Aberdeen, Sat 21st Apr 2018

It was an odd 'theatre' show, being held as it was in the 4,500-seating, echoey shed which is Aberdeen's Arena.

The support was a solo KT Tunstall (she introduced her band as all being from Taiwan). She's a confident, professional performer but surrounded by tech and starting each track building her sound loops she came across as a fancy busker. Good banter though.

Gary, without his boys, brought an eight-piece band and two backing singers but really only came into his own when performing solo at the piano. I didn't rate his numbers from his musicals or the swing versions of TT tunes. The crowd must have thought so too as there was a lot of loud, annoyingly screechy chatting, a symptom of their distraction. However, he really hit his stride at the end with 'Let me go', 'Relight my fire' and 'Cry' finishing 'Rule the World' and 'Never Forget'.

He might not be to everyone's taste but he gives good show. His patter is proficient to whip up the girls' enthusiasm, he's got the moves and actions of a seasoned performer and I could imagine this show playing Vegas (if anyone in America knew who he was).

Asides:
I'm pleased the really tall bloke two rows in front of my wife remained perched on the back of his seat. He could see fine this way anyway.

I wondered if the granny beside me wore perfume to mask the smell of her decay or if it was just the smell of her perfume. I was amused when the crowd management gorilla told her to put away her fancy camera when all around camera phones were capturing the show.

On the way out I managed to display what a poor stunt man I am by tripping over a plastic traffic barrier, falling into an idling vehicle waiting to exit the car park. No permanent injury to me but perhaps a handprint on the car door where I tried to avoid hitting the ground.

It then took over 45mins to get out of the venue car park. Or did I just wait out of embarrassment?

Setlist

Since I Saw You Last
Greatest Day (Take That song)
These Days (Take That song)
Live Those Years Again
Open Road
Pray (Take That song)
A Million Love Songs (Take That song)
Something About This Night
Dare
Another Crack in My Heart (Take That song)
Love Ain't Here Anymore (Take That song)
Sure (Take That song)
Everything Changes(Take That song)
Could It Be Magic (Barry Manilow cover)
Shine (Take That song)
Said It All (Take That song)
Forever Love
Love Won't Wait
Patience (Take That song)
Back for Good (Take That song)
Let Me Go
Relight My Fire (Dan Hartman cover)
Cry (Sigma cover)
Rule the World (Take That song)
Never Forget (Take That song)

Billy Joel, Madison Square Gardens, New York. Fri 13th Apr 2018

Today was a special day. Friday the 13th and lucky for me: New York.

Breakfast of strawberry pancakes at Pershing Square, a walk along the High Line, stopping off for gelato twice, 'A Quiet Place' mid afternoon (and I stayed awake), dinner in a lovely Italian restaurant, where our elderly Greek waiter looked after us well with an extra coffee on the house and told us 'No hurry for the table back' as he knew we were heading to see Billy Joel at the Madison Square Garden, even though the place was hoachin.

It was special because this is the furthest I've ever travelled to attend a concert and the first time I've set foot in MSG. First time seeing Billy Joel.

The venue is like the Hydro but on steroids, with an extra tier wafered under the roof. We were fortunate to have floor level seats but not together as, by the time I received my holiday dates, the gig was nearly sold out. Billy Joel is one of my wife's favourite performers so she would have been happy with any seat but this was the best compromise to avoid having to pay the best part of a grand to sit together.

He started at 8.20, finished at 10.50 with just a little two-minute break. No support act. This was his 51st monthly gig in residence and he makes every one different, asking the audience to choose which songs to play, throwing in covers like Superstition, Kashmir and Voodoo Child, and hitting us with his classics (even a rendition of Nessun Dorma, although it was his guitarist that sung). The sound was perfect, his voice gruff but still capable of belting out the higher numbers, the band really tight.

The enthusiastic, mainly home audience loved him, singing, swaying and dancing along. The age range was wide, from pensioners to millennial dating couples, and I didn't see anyone drunk. It felt like a community whose common purpose was to appreciate a master craftsman share his legacy.

Treat one ticked off the special birthday year list.

Setlist

Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)

The Entertainer

Superstition

Vienna (fan vote over "Just the Way You Are")

Zanzibar (fan vote over “Stiletto” followed by 'Born Under a Bad Sign' snippet;)

She's Got a Way (fan vote over “Everybody Loves You Now")

Big Man on Mulberry Street

The Longest Time (fan vote over “An Innocent Man”)

Miami 2017 (Seen the Lights Go Out on Broadway) (fan vote over “Summer, Highland Falls” & "Say Goodbye to Hollywood")

Allentown (followed by 'Voodoo Child' (Jimi Hendrix) snippet)

Stop in Nevada

New York State of Mind

Sleeping With the Television On

Don't Ask Me Why

Until the Night

My Life

She's Always a Woman

The River of Dreams

Nessun Dorma (Giacomo Puccini cover) (lead vocals by Mike DelGuidice)

Scenes From an Italian Restaurant

Piano Man (preceded by 'Fool in the Rain' and 'Kashmir' (Led Zeppelin) snippets)

Encore:

We Didn't Start the Fire

Uptown Girl

It's Still Rock and Roll to Me

Big Shot

You May Be Right (with "Rock and Roll" (Led Zeppelin) snippet)

Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room Tour, Pavilion Theatre, Glasgow. Thurs 8th Mar 2018.

Ashley Storrie supported. She's a bit like a young hybrid of Kevin Bridges and Sarah Millican and funny with it. Performing at THE Glasgow Pavilion was a big step up for her but she handled it superbly, the only sign of nerves being the regular checking of her watch. The home crowd loved her.

I was disappointed by Katherine. I expected the Acid Queen, displaying a biting wit in the style of Joan Rivers. Instead, she was warm and inclusive, presenting some well-crafted comedy about her life and daughter and some material about her perspective on the world. Her claws were razor-sharp but little used. I had heard some of the lines before from her telly work too, which always takes the shine off.

It wasn't that it wasn't funny. The females in the audience lapped it up like kittens mewing for their mother's teat. In fact, their howls of laughter was a little off-putting due to the disparity in my ears between the laugh delivered and their OTT reaction.

She is sharp, her vocal work outstanding, her call-backs clever but belly laughs were rare for me. It felt tame like she was holding back from the gut-busting laughs she is capable of. Maybe she is just getting tired as the tour is nearly finished. Or more likely she just wasn't for me.

And on those grounds, Sarah Pascoe is still my favourite female comedian.

Paloma Faith, The Architect Tour, SSE Hydro, Glasgow. Tues 6th Mar 2018

Midweek gigs are often subdued affairs, even in Glasgow. Everyone seemed to enjoy Paloma but it felt like something was lacking. Not that people weren't partaking of the amber nectar. Mr Brewery-Breath beside me supped two pints slowly over the course of the evening before nipping off early with the wife (his, not mine) before the final number. Maybe that was the problem: people had work the next day.

The support act was a guy called XamVolo. He looked cool in his stylish coat with furry lapels. It might have been due to the cold weather but I like to think he kept it on to reassure us he wasn't staying. His smooth jazzy pop grooves did nothing for me.

When the lights went back up after his set, the Glesga burds populating the private box behind us clucked and cackled like it was a hen party. One even screeched in a manner reminiscent of the sound I make pushing out a stubborn jobbie. I knew she was going to be trouble.

When the lights went out again and the curtain pulled back to reveal the stage, I was underwhelmed. For a tour promoting an album called 'The Architect', I felt the design was somewhat lacking: plastic crystals in a hill shape, bordered by a staircase on either side. The structure didn't even fill the stage. It wouldn't have looked out of place as a Dr. Who set from the seventies. Indeed, with the illuminated stairs leading up to the sparkly sphere at the back, I almost expected the Nimon to strut out in their platform boots, instead of Paloma. I liked the lighting though.

Her band was a lot tighter this time, with no dodgy brass section in tuxedos to ham about. She played a lot of numbers from the new album. When it came to her first quiet number, the box burds erupted in a sweary slanging match as one side refused to stay quiet. Sweary warnings were met with equally vulgar responses until even the people around us started to vocalise their unhappiness at them for ruining the sweet ballad. No one was physically hurt though. As I said, a subdued night in Glasgow.

Regardless of these niggles, I enjoyed the concert. Paloma's voice is strong, her range incredible, her tunes catchy and she is such a character. The little girl from Hackney has come a long way, never forgetting her roots even if she is a total space cadet. For example, she has this idea that the world would be a better place if everyone gave 50p of kindness away every day. She has an impish sense of fun for which the audience loves her.

Finally, I think the gig would have been better if it hadn't been all seated. Paloma finished strong with a lot of dance numbers but with everyone seated the energy was lost.

In summary, a good, but not great, gig.

Setlist
Evolution (Intro)
The Architect
Crybaby
Guilty
My Body
Lost and Lonely
Warrior
I’ll Be Gentle
Just Be
Kings and Queens
Can't Rely on You
Picking Up The Pieces
WW3
Tonight's Not Only Night
Lullaby
Til I’m Done
Changing (Sigma cover)

Encore:
Still Around
Only Love Can Hurt Like This
Love Me as I Am

Stereophonics, SSE Hydro, Glasgow. Sat 24th Feb 2018.

I had a few reservations about our seats tonight, sitting as we were in the row below the disabled area on the lower balcony. It really deters you from standing knowing they can't.

On with the review...

If Mock the Week had a music category, Dara might ask 'If Ten Tonnes is the answer, what is the question?'

I would say, 'What weight would I like dropped on the Stereophonics' support act to stop him playing?' He sang 'Baby I was born to lose'. Correct.

Next...

Stereophonics are like a Welsh Coldplay. They've been around for years doing their thing, with a charismatic frontman who crafts good tunes, plays multiple instruments and holds the audience in his sway. The band is tight and there's no messing about. They pump out hit after hit.

Tonight, Kelly's boys were in fine form. Despite the sound being a bit fuzzy at first, his voice was clear, filling the cavernous space with grace. With twenty-one years of songs, they have a great back catalogue of hits to pull from, mixing the old with the new. The staging was simple, using the walkway sparingly but to good effect. It was amazing to see the drummer rising from it still playing when he'd started at the back.

Playing for over two hours, they entertained us all and I for one rocked harder in my seat than a wheelchair-bound epileptic having a seizure.

Of course, no review would be complete without discussing the punters.

I now have greater tinnitus in my right ear thanks to the Whistler beside me. My response became almost Pavlovian, covering my ear every time he lifted his fingers to his mouth.

A Saturday night in Glasgow wouldn't be complete without one man so inebriated he needed to be poured into his seat. He lasted half the show then his wife helped him out. He paused to ogle at one lady, his face close enough to kiss her, but his brain was operating autonomically so he couldn't do anything more than stare before being moved on by her pals. He got a cheer when he dramatically failed to lift his foot high enough for the first step and slipped down the stairs. He needed assistance to get up. I doubt he'll remember anything about it.

In our row, we had Oompah Loompah in pearls and her pal Morticia in Red who really should have bought aisle seats given the numerous trips they made to get wine or get rid of wine. They danced like they were punching invisible gym bags to the beat of the drum while sloshing wine glass maracas. Class in a plastic glass as it were.

A good night. I'd love to see the band in a more intimate venue but for now, that's one more chalked off the bucket list.

Setlist

Chances Are

Caught by the Wind

C'est La Vie

More Life in a Tramp's Vest

I Wanna Get Lost With You

Cryin' in Your Beer

Have a Nice Day

All in One Night

Superman

Geronimo

Maybe Tomorrow

Stripped Set On B Stage

I Wouldn't Believe Your Radio

Handbags and Gladrags (Mike d’Abo cover)

Boy on a Bike (Acoustic)

Main Set Part 2

Mr. Writer

What's All the Fuss About?

Indian Summer

Graffiti on the Train

Sunny (Kelly on the piano)

Just Looking

Traffic (Kelly Acoustic Solo)

Local Boy in the Photograph

A Thousand Trees

The Bartender and the Thief (with segment of "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead)

Encore:

Mr and Mrs Smith

Taken a Tumble

Dakota