The Simon & Garfunkel Story, SEC Armadillo, Tuesday 24th September, 2024.

This was my wife's pick. I'd dragged her to enough gigs of my choice, and not necessarily to her taste, that I knew not to complain when she suggested we go. I even booked the tickets straight away while we were still sitting (typically early) in The Tron's auditorium awaiting Two Doors Down. 

When we arrived in Glasgow at around 6.45 pm (for a 7.30pm showtime), the streets were unusually quiet, and there were plenty of places to park. The walk to the venue was also less busy than usual. After passing through security and getting our tickets scanned, we entered the Armadillo (not in a zoological sense) and noticed the queues at the main bar were short. They usually go all the way into the main hallway, but not tonight.

Forty minutes to showtime and not a queue in sight

The reason became quickly apparent as the show began. It wasn't anywhere near a sellout. Tranches of seats remained empty, and the downstairs auditorium was perhaps just over half full. There were people on the balcony, too, but from my seating position, I could not see how many.

I didn't know what to expect from this show. The stage set-up had two microphones at the front, various guitars on stands, and a drumkit in the middle at the back. A big screen sat above them against a curtain backdrop depicting New York City. 

No video or photography was allowed during the performance.

What we got was a performance of Simon and Garfunkel's songbook in chronological order with story interludes explaining the pair's journey through their career, from school chums to the biggest-selling musical artists of the early seventies. The interludes detailed their troubled relationship as the duo moved creatively in different directions, eventually breaking up. Mainly, though, the show focused on the music. The singers' harmonies were fantastic throughout. The band was tight. The sound in the auditorium was the best I've heard in there. It helped that our seats were in the middle.

This was neither a simple tribute act nor a theatrical production—it was something in between. Whenever the leads spoke, they spoke as themselves. They used their real names when they referred to each other. The actor playing Art had an actorly, overpronounced diction, while the one playing Paul had a more Northern English regional accent.   

At times, it felt like I was watching a band entertaining a group of pre-geriatrics in a nursing home, the elderly audience responding to the singers' requests to clap or sing along with old-time glee (but without the stamina to continue for very long). Near the end, one woman got up to dance, her arms extended at ten and two, moving up and down to the music, one hand still clutching her pint tumbler. She sang her heart out but only lasted half the song before realising she was the only one standing and sank back down again.

A man behind us had an awful cough, which somewhat spoiled the musical offering. During every song in the first half, he'd punctuate the air with the sound of resistant phlegm. At one point, I even considered turning around and shoving a Werther's Original in his mouth, telling him to shut up and suck it. I didn't. I only had two left and was saving them to share with my wife during the interval (we are so hip replacement). His singing voice was not much better. It could best be described as a disharmonious drone, albeit a stealthily quiet one.  

At the end, the performers received a standing ovation but only for a short time. As people were already on their feet, many made a beeline for the exit. It didn't take long for everyone to get out. 

I still enjoyed it. It was something a little different.

Blurb:

Direct from a weeklong run in London’s West End at the Vaudeville Theatre, a SOLD-OUT Worldwide tour and standing ovations at every performance, The Simon & Garfunkel Story continues to stun audiences across the globe! Using huge projection photos, original film footage and a full live band performing all the hits including 'Mrs Robinson', 'Cecilia', 'Homeward Bound' and many more."

Ticket Price: Ticketmaster

2 Full Price Ticket £41.45 x2 = £82.90 

Per Item Fees £1.70 (Facility Charge Full Price Ticket) x2 = £5.60 

(Service Charge Full Price Ticket) x2 = £14.60 

Order Processing Fees Handling Fee £2.00 

Total £99.50 

Ed Byrne, Tragedy Plus Time, Pavilion Theatre, Glasgow. Sunday 22nd September, 2024

Tour blurb:

Attributed to Mark Twain, humour is defined as Tragedy Plus Time. Come and join Ed as he tests that formula by mining the most tragic event in his life for laughs.

We have received the news that due to a performance opportunity in New York, Ed Byrne will no longer be able to appear at the Pavilion Theatre on Friday 10th November (2023). We have however managed to secure a new date, and the show will now take place on Sunday 22nd September 2024!

I was dying to see this show. It had been the highest-rated of all the Edinburgh Fringe shows of 2023, with the press describing it as "poignant, touching, spiky and laugh-out-loud funny."  Laced with black humour, it recounted Ed's relationship with his younger brother, Paul, and the rocky times they shared up until Paul's death. My kind of comedy. Then, as you read above, the show was postponed. Fecker! Putting his desire to further his career over my need to laugh. How bloody selfish!

The two seats in front of us remained empty.

I had my heckle "About bloody time!" primed and then I remembered I'm as meek as a mouse with a voice that doesn't project further than my nose, so I chose to remain silent. 

Ed came on first to warm us up for his support act, Amy Matthews. He railed at the four empty seats in the front row, knowing they had been sold, commenting he reckoned that was the ultimate heckle, not turning up, knowing it was the best way to get under his skin. Then, instead of saying nice things about Amy, he undercut her introduction with playful jibes like "You'll know her from her blog, 'Ten Things I hate about Glasgow', updated hourly." All in impish fun. 

I can't tell you what Amy talked about because I closed my eyes and tuned out. My temporary mental absence might have been due to her Emily Blunt-sounding accent or her bland material. I could vaguely hear others laughing, so this one's on me. I'm sure she was delightful. 

Ed was brilliant. Given that his now-dead little brother was a renowned comedy director who helped up-and-coming performers fine-tune their shows, this was a perfect tribute to him. Every line was a killer, crafted for maximum comic effect. Yes, the material was dark but never shocking. Even the darkest joke he'd ever told was fitting in context. Even though Ed has been performing this show all over the world for over a year, he choked up at one point, retelling a conversation he'd had with his sister. He confessed that this was probably because he had family in the audience, his older brother (now just brother).

I'm glad I got to see this show now and not at the Fringe. There, it was constrained to one hour. Tonight, he gave us seventy minutes, even managing to throw in a funny topical aside about the Oasis reunion. 

The show was not a sell-out. That was a shame because comedy doesn't get much better than this. I hope he records it for posterity, though getting clearance for Sebadoh III (the album Ed played on his phone while a comatose Paul was dying in hospital) might prove costly.    

On the drive home, I thought I was getting chest pains, probably from all the laughing. I could have taken a detour to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital to get checked out but instead continued home, figuring that if I died within the next seven days, my wife would at least collect an extra death-in-service payment on top of my life insurance. That's how much of a caring husband I am.

Ticket Price: £27.50 x 2, plus £1.50 Postage and £2.65 Transaction Fee, from Pavilion Theatre (now Trafalgar Tickets).

Fern Brady "I Gave You Milk To Drink", King's Theatre, Glasgow. Friday 20th September, 2024

"Do you want to go see the Scottish lassie from Taskmaster? She's playing the Kings," I asked my wife. She thought about it and said, "Yes." I didn't reckon she'd be her cup of tea, but if she keeps insisting on answering 'Yes' when I propose something, she only has herself to blame.

On the day of the show, we went out for a proper lunch rather than having a big dinner later. She chose Dé Buddha, a Nepali/mixed-cuisine restaurant in Collier Street, Johnstone. The service was fantastic, and the food was divine. We both had the Chicken Kathmandu. I had a coke with mine. I hadn't slept well and thought the caffeine would give me a lift.

I still needed an afternoon snooze. I awoke on the bed with the dog pawing me as if reminding me I was going out soon. My stomach gurgled, and I let out the noisiest, smelliest fart I've delivered in a long time, so unpleasant the dog jumped off the bed. This was not good. I was due to sit in a cramped theatre for two hours. I couldn't inflict such smells on a Scottish comedy crowd. Imagine the embarrassment of pretending it was my wife. 

I dealt with the matter as best I could prior to departure, making sure I washed my hands afterwards. I then practised fart retention in the car with mixed success. I promised myself I'd try harder in the theatre.

Susan Riddell was Fern's support act. I recognised a lot of her material from the last time I saw her, but it is a testament to her quality that I still found her set funny. Her natural delivery does a great job of disguising the craft of her writing. She's still single, on the apps and missing the pleasure of a good argument with a partner. Tonight's set covered her top two arguments and her most embarrassing moment. Her twenty minutes flew by. Big tick.

After the interval, Fern opened by explaining why she wanted to do crowd work like every other comedian—to boost their Instagram profile - but she couldn't because, being autistic, she couldn't handle the randomness of audience interaction. Her Bathgate accent is thick but manageable if I concentrate. 

Her set included discussing her use of Botox, how her Scottish low esteem sabotaged her attempt to crack Hollywood, and how her Scottish sensibility insisted she down a forgotten thousand milligrams of MDMA before a flight rather than throw it away. Her Bake Off material rose well, relating her frustrations at not being allowed to bake due to the hosts' chattiness and her awkwardness talking to the camera about the cancer charity (inconveniently, none of her family had had cancer; instead, they'd been killed by proper Scottish diseases).

Once her hour was up, Fern thanked us and left the stage. It was unlikely we'd see her at a merch stall (there wasn't one), so we headed home.

My wife did enjoy the show, much to my surprise. I found Fern a breath of fresh air - a quality hour of Scottish standup.  

Pleased that I'd managed to retain all involuntary gas movement, I suffered from a stomach ache all the way home. Standing in the back garden, I set them all free just as the sirens of multiple emergency vehicles erupted, heading up the main road. You can always trust Paisley to kick off a Friday night rammy when one of their own needs to hide the sound of his farting. The smell, well, that's just Paisley all over.

Ticket Price: 2 x £26 plus £3.95 Transaction Fee = £55.95 from ATG Tickets.

John Bishop, "Back At It" Tour, Paisley Town Hall, Paisley. Wednesday 18th September, 2024

This was my first visit to the Town Hall since its makeover. I didn't know what to expect. Space-age holograms? Virtual ushers? Levitating walkways? Nah, none of that.

Our tickets were for the balcony. A staff member inside the entrance directed us to go through a set of double doors and then take the stairs on the left to the top. As we ascended, the air had that fresh carpet smell, the tread underfoot soft and luxurious. Arriving at the first floor, the Gallery level, we were instructed to turn around and continue up. Another flight of stairs brought us to a silent area empty of people. It felt almost forbidden, like we'd climbed too far and were now one door away from finding ourselves outside on the roof. Then, a young gentleman in a OneRen T-shirt appeared, examined our tickets and told us where to sit - in the very back row.

When I purchased the tickets, I hadn't even realised the Town Hall had two tiers or that our seats would be the absolute furthest from the stage, so I was slightly disappointed. The view was ever-so-slightly restricted thanks to a lighting rig obscuring the upper part of the big screen on the stage.   

Thankfully, this got raised to the level of the others prior to the show beginning, but that didn't change the fact that we were so far from the stage. The temperature on the Balcony was sub-tropical, with various patrons fanning themselves furiously with their paper tickets to cool down. At least the seats were comfy. 

I was tired and occasionally found myself resting my chin on my hand as John, without a support act, did some crowd work sprinkled with anecdotes in the first half. I had a little difficulty making out what he was saying, partly due to his jowly Scouse accent and partly due to the hall sound. 

It didn't get better in the second half, though his prepared material did. Discussing his case of 'The Manopause', he acknowledged he'd been feeling out of sorts until a gynaecologist (long story) put him on testosterone. This, and forgetting Tommo, a childhood friend, during a random encounter with them, inspired him to complete the bucket list he'd written when he was seven. 

We hear how he managed to achieve most of them, including killing a Dalek and shooting a laser gun. My pedantic brain would not let me enjoy this bit. Nick (Briggs) isn't seventy and hasn't been doing the Dalek voices for over forty years (or so I thought at the time - he's been doing them on TV since 2005 and with Big Finish since 1996, but I'd forgotten about the Audio Visuals that started in the late '80s). Anyway, at the time, these inaccuracies quashed the comedy for me. 

His dilemma over whether to accept Sir Ian McKellen's personal request to appear with him in pantomime was funny. It could also have been interpreted as an attempt by Gandalf to groom the comic into snogging nightly for one hundred shows (semis optional). But that's theatre for you, darling.

A couple of pointless heckles irritated me. Someone shouting out 'Huw Edwards' while John was discussing Hugh Bonneville just seemed moronic, as John pointed out. He'd been discussing genetic Englishness, and Edwards is Welsh. Maybe the individual got triggered by the two sharing a similar-sounding first name. Fortunately, the heckles were few and far between, perhaps because John couldn't make out what was being said.    

The people I was with thoroughly enjoyed the show. I found it a bit shabby, a bit like his stage outfit. Maybe he's still perfecting his routines because it didn't feel like a polished, finished product. Or maybe my next expensive purchase should be a pair of luxury hearing aids to combat my own version of the manopause. 

Ticket Price: Ticketmaster

4 Full Price Ticket £32.50 x4 = £130.00 

Per Item Fees £3.25 (Service Charge Full Price Ticket) x4 £13.00 

Order Processing Fees 

Handling Fee £2.50 

Total £145.50 

The Very Best of Texas, OVO Hydro, Glasgow. Saturday 14th September, 2024.

 

The first time I saw Texas was back in 1994 on a triple bill with Horse and Gin Blossoms (ticket price  £9). They were amazing then, and they are even better now.

The Saturday gig, the first of two consecutive nights for them at the OVO, is sold out. We arrive early, skip the drizzle-soaked queue thanks to our OVO Live tickets, and make our way in. The wristband the security person attaches, because we have Standing tickets, snags the little hairs on my arm, but I manage to detach them with a twist without too much discomfort. We hadn't intended to go near the front, but as there was space, we ended up about seven deep from the barrier with a trio of shorter ladies in front of us. There are only a couple of tall gentlemen between us and the stage. The view is excellent.

The stage set up for support act KT Tunstall has a drumkit, guitars, and her usual electronic equipment. On the two occasions we'd seen her before, she'd always played solo, joking that all her band members were from Taiwan. Was this going to be a different style of performance from her? Full band?

Not quite. Andy Burrows, drummer with Razorlight, is accompanying her on the drum kit and various instruments. The new dynamic works well. She's no longer the lone voice expecting us to wait while she builds her loops. The sound is fuller, and her voice is clear and pitch-perfect. She's got the banter, too, to keep us entertained. She's played mashups before, where she morphed her songs into covers/tributes, but tonight, they went down really well with the thunderous crowd. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed her short set.

One person drew my ire with her flip-cover camera. It didn't occur to her that she could flip the phone around, so the flap was below, not above, obscuring less of the show for those behind her. This was a minor irritation, though, as by the time Texas came on, she had already moved over, closer to the middle, away from me.

Setlist: KT Tunstall

I Am the Pilot

Dear Shadow

Other Side of the World / America (mash-up)

The River

Black Horse and the Cherry Tree / Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) (mash-up)

Hold On / Walk Like an Egyptian (mash-up)

Suddenly I See

A curtain drops from the ceiling as the crew clear her equipment. I liked that. It added a sense of theatricality and mystery to proceedings, building the anticipation.

I'm amazed by how many people this close to the stage have dressed for the weather rather than for the show in their puffy jackets and coats. It's Sweat Central where we are.

Bloke at the very front.

When the auditorium lights go down, we're greeted on the curtain by a striking sunrise silhouette of the guitarist as he twangs the opening chords to "I Don't Need a Lover." 

Wow!

The curtain drops, and massive screens showing a desert sunrise dominate the stage, which is split into two levels. The keyboards and drums are on the higher level, with Sharleen, Tony, and Johnny up front.
 

There's that cover flap again.

So begins a glorious evening. The set, as the tour title suggests, is brimming with the very best of Texas, covering the entire span of their thirty-five-year career. Sharleen's voice is incredible, and she looks fantastic. In front of her home crowd, she comments we bring out the very worst and very best in her. Her potty-mouthed banter is refreshing. She reminds us she may be a fucking global pop megastar, but she's still a mum forced to clean up the empty beer bottles after her daughter's party, laughing with the band when said girl, in her English accent, tries to say the word 'Bowffin'. Sharleen has never forgotten her roots.

We were standing so close it felt like we could hear her singing unamplified. The crowd was the loudest I've ever heard at the Hydro (maybe because the ladies around us screamed like they were actually watching Elvis, which wasn't far off at the end of the show). 

When not showing the band, the visuals on the big screen were used well, looping clips from their videos or scrolling across the crowd. It's still freaky to find yourself magnified on the big screen while thinking, "Gawd, you're ugly." 

It was a far better night than I anticipated. Maybe because we were so close. Maybe because the band and the sold-out crowd were so up for it. Either way, it was one of the best gigs of the year, not least because Sharleen still fitted into the Tom Ford-designed Gucci leather jumpsuit that she originally wore twenty years ago.  

Setlist: Texas

I Don't Want a Lover

Halo

Everyday Now

The Conversation

Hi

In Our Lifetime

Tired of Being Alone (Al Green cover)

Keep on Talking

Summer Son

Insane

Let's Work It Out

When We Are Together

Put Your Arms Around Me (acoustic)

Sleep (acoustic)

In Demand (acoustic)

Mr Haze

Black Eyed Boy

Say What You Want

Encore:

Inner Smile

Suspicious Minds (Mark James cover)

Tired of Being Alone

Black-Eyed Boy

Ticket Price:

2 OVO Live Presale Ticket (enter via OVO door) £50.00 x2 £100.00 

Per Item Fees 

£6.75 (Service Charge OVO Live Presale Ticket (enter via OVO door)) x2 

£1.70 (Facility Charge OVO Live Presale Ticket (enter via OVO door)) x2 £16.90 

Order Processing Fees 

Handling Fee (£2.00) £2.00 

Total £118.90