Gut Reactions (post-gig memories and other trips)

Host: Des Clarke

Panellists:

Daliso Chaponda

Jay Lafferty

Tiff Stevenson

Stuart Mitchell

When your wife asks, before you leave, "Are you wearing that jacket?" it's essential to listen to the subtext. She's not disparaging the garment; she's questioning its appropriateness. I didn't listen, though. Even when she recommended an alternative. I thought, 'this one's smart; it'll do.'

I arrived at Drygate ten minutes before the doors opened. The queue was already beyond the gates, though not quite as far as the street. I didn't have a long wait, but my assigned number to get into the show was 096, so I couldn't secure a seat inside while we waited (they allocate the ticket numbers an hour before letting us into the show recording). It was dry but windy, so I sat outside at one of the benches and ate my roll and bacon with potato scone, and drank a can of Irn Bru. It was a table for one as my wife had called off with a respiratory infection.

This week's audience question was inspired by the film 'Jaws' turning fifty. It asked, "What was the movie that changed your life and why?"

One response: 'After watching the film Trainspotting, I now avoid public toilets in Edinburgh.' I can't remember the others.

I didn't find this week's show hilarious. Although it wasn't as warm as last time, I found myself closing my eyes and not listening intently. This was partly due to my poor view, as I was unable to see Daliso on the far left unless I leaned forward. With topics such as the Labour Welfare bill and DJT's Big Beautiful Bill, many of the comedians' replies were serious about the potential damage these bills could cause. Several of the jokes fell flat, and others were groan-worthy. One interesting fact: Daliso's dad might end up as the next President of Malawi.

Jay unintentionally managed to get a question right. When asked, "What do 43% of Americans think bacon is...", she replied vegan. The correct answer was "a plant". She confessed she'd only been joking. Stuart chipped in, "Isn't that what you're supposed to do on a comedy panel show?" Big laugh from the audience.

Stuart Mitchell came up with the best line of the day in response to Tiff Stevenson discussing her haunted boobs. She claimed she had big supernaturals. Stuart quipped, "See if your breasts were haunted, would they be called 'BOO-bs'?

After the show, I made a quick exit, only to find it was raining. That's what my wife had been inferring when she mentioned my jacket. She knew rain was coming. Anyway, the shower turned into a 'shower of bastards' as I walked along Duke Street. The fenced-off bus shelter felt like a personal attack.

Only for wheelbarrows and cement.

By the time I reached George Square, my waterproof jacket was more a "proof of water jacket", with rain sliding down inside my sleeves and rising through the pockets. My Gore-Tex trainers couldn't cope either. I was soaked through as I reached home. I pity the fool who used my train seat next. They might have thought I'd pissed myself.

Not sweaty feet

It's July. The schools are off. Of course, it's going to rain. Welcome back. We didn't miss you.

Ticket price: Free.

UPDATE:

The programme broadcast was a triumph of editing, giving each panellist a chance to shine, leaving out all the guff and fluffs.

When these tickets went on sale, I was at work in the pharmacy. I hadn't been successful during the presale, so I was stressed (to be fair, it was a Friday morning, so that emotional state was always my default). I logged into the Ticketmaster waiting room at 9:45 a.m. and continued to check prescriptions and serve customers. At 10 a.m., I entered the buying queue. There were over sixteen thousand buyers (and bots) ahead of me. A team member informed me that a young woman had requested an Emergency Hormonal Contraception consultation. Frustrated, I huffed and puffed and eventually went down to speak to her. With the slow rate at which my number was decreasing, I probably had time to complete the consultation after all. However, I first advised her of my ticket quest, which she was cool about. And boy, was she attractive.

When I finally got through to ticket selection, the only ones left were on the top balcony. I had no interest in seeing the band from that height, so I closed the browser, gutted. The girl sympathised, advising me not to fret. She'd managed to get a Taylor Swift ticket the week before the concert, so I wasn't to give up hope. We completed the consultation, and I got on with my day, disappointed that I had been unsuccessful.

Obviously, that wasn't the end of the story. I hooked up with the girl and had the craziest sex, beginning an affair that continues to this day.

That didn't happen. That's just a (former) pharmacist's wet dream.

I did, however, buy a resale ticket.

Halestorm was the support act in Europe (and London), but in Glasgow, we got The Raven Age. That was disappointing, as was The Raven Age (but more of that later).

As it was a resale, I didn't have OVO entrance access, so I joined one of the five lines queuing for Standing. Even though I'd arrived well before the doors opened, the lines were already long. Fortunately, they moved swiftly as soon as the doors opened. Note to self: check how many people are wearing backpacks in the line before you join. Those bag searches really slow down progress. The fan club was handing out cards to every ticket holder, which became a nice souvenir and an opportunity to win a prize. (I didn't win.)

A hidden individual QR code link was on the reverse

Inside, I considered buying some merch. A tenner for a poster looked appealing, but where would I put it during the gig? I shelved that idea and headed into the arena.

Amazingly, despite the queues outside, I managed to find a position near the front, with about ten people between me and the stage. I had a clear view. The group of lads in front of me all wore the same T-shirt design: "UAIron Tour 2025, Brazilian Highlanders in Scottish Plains," with a list of names and locations. The shirt had its own Eddie-design mascot on the front. Pretty cool.

Then, when The Raven Age started, the lads rearranged themselves so the shorter chaps were in front of the taller ones. Bugger! My window of vision shrank to almost nothing. This irritation was further exacerbated by the stage lighting, with spotlight beams bouncing off my face and strobe lights sending painful signals to my brain. What a night to decide not to wear a cap.

The Raven Age did my head in. In other circumstances, I might have enjoyed their heavy but melodic music. But when the lead singer kept asking us to MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE time and time again, I shut down. Fuck him and his crap banter. Away and find some new patter before you return.

At the interval, I decided to abort my pitch and took up residence near the back. This proved more successful. Although the band would be tiny figures in the distance, at least I could see most of the stage.

The excitement ramped up as UFO's "Doctor, Doctor" played over the PA, with the crowd singing along. As The Ides of March began, the lights over the audience went dark. The massive screen took us on an animated journey through London's backstreets, taking us around the band's historic early venues, with a mysterious figure appearing and disappearing as the streetlights flickered. Then the band burst onto the stage playing a rousing rendition of Murders in the Rue Morgue. The massive screen displayed a shot of Paris from above the rooftops.

This screen finally brought Iron Maiden into the 21st century. On previous tours, the staging consisted of backdrop curtains, which were gorgeous but static (they did toy with side screens on the last tour). This massive screen, complemented by additional displays within the set, enabled 3D imaging with clever lighting effects. Every song had a story to tell, with subtle animation, reminding us this wasn't just a picture. At times, it almost overwhelmed the band, given the grandeur of the scale. Bruce Dickinson, however, being such a dynamic frontman, despite his age, always managed to regain that attention.

The setlist was selected from the band's earliest albums and featured a full lineup of classics. The only dud was Seventh Son of a Seventh Son, which didn't sustain the excitement. Can I Play with Madness would have worked better.

As always, Eddie the Head played a pivotal role in the proceedings, appearing both in person and on screen. The person inside the suit was more comfortable moving, and as such, was able to give a less 'stilted' performance that brought out Eddie's personality, mimicking the guitarist's strumming, hitting himself in the nuts or miming a male personal activity that climaxed over the audience.

No, it's not Rod Stewart at Glastonbury.

Ouch!

The Trooper

Iron Maiden

I have no regrets about buying a resale standing ticket. It was a great show, finishing at 11 p.m. on the dot. The atmosphere in the crowd, even this far back, was amazing, with lots of people jumping and waving devil horns. The 'no-cameras' instruction was mainly ignored, but it didn't detract from my enjoyment. It couldn't really. I was one of them. I didn't take any vids, just photos.

Even the fact that it was pissing down afterwards didn't bother me, though I did wish I'd brought my jacket. It did sink the idea of buying a poster, though. I had a Toffee Crisp McFlurry from McDonald's instead.

Iron Maiden may be in their fiftieth year, but there is no sign of them stopping. They have promised to return. Based on the evidence here, I hope I'm one of the lucky ones who gets to see them.

Setlist

Doctor Doctor (UFO song) from tape

The Ides of March from tape.

Murders in the Rue Morgue

Wrathchild

Killers

Phantom of the Opera

The Number of the Beast

The Clairvoyant

Powerslave

2 Minutes to Midnight

Rime of the Ancient Mariner