Mark Simmons "Jest to Impress", The Citizens Theatre, Glasgow. Wednesday 18th March, 2026

My first visit to the Citz since it reopened. I was unsure where to park and how heavy the traffic would be, so my wife agreed to let us leave early. How serendipitous that was. The street I usually park in on that side of town was closed due to roadworks. As we drove about, I somehow managed to find my way to the theatre's car park, which still had spaces. I snagged one spot, and within seconds every other space was filled, as if someone was finishing off a jigsaw. I watched one car fly round the car park to catch the last space near the entrance, only for another car to sweep in, turn right and snatch it from them. I thought there might be some argy-bargy, but no. Fortunately, another car drove off, leaving the disappointed party contented. 

Inside, the theatre looked gloriously modern, albeit with a few of the old touches, like the golden elephant-headed pillars. 

Although we were early, the cafe was already full, so we waited near the entrance to the performance space until the doors opened. The ticket scanners couldn't have been working, because we were allowed in after a cursory inspection of our printout, even though he was holding the relevant device.

We were among the first to take our seats, but it didn't take long for trouble to occur. As the place filled up, a dispute occurred over seating and rather than establish whose tickets were genuine, the usher offered the standing party different seats. Unfortunately, this only exacerbated the problem when those ticket holders arrived to find someone in their seats. He moved them too, and so on and so on. Then, a couple of minutes before the advertised showtime, a large couple arrived to find their seats taken, and they refused to accept alternative seats. They demanded to be seated in the seats they had chosen. A standoff occurred. The usher had to summon the duty manager, but given the extent of the problem and the limited time available, she struggled to get to the bottom of it and gave up after investigating the first three seat relocations. Fortunately, the lads in the large couple's seats agreed to be relocated again. The question remains: why didn't the usher summon the duty manager in the first place?

Ah, the irony of this picture.

The support act was Mark's mate and podcast buddy, Danny Ward. Danny's humour is described as being "observational, upbeat and well-honed; his easy-going style is both endearing and very funny". What I observed tonight was neither endearing nor funny. In the room, the only laughter appeared to come from those programmed to laugh, Pavlovian style, at any post-punchline pause. His jokes are well-honed, but to the point where the humour has been pared away. His material was weak, and his delivery felt mechanical. I did not enjoy him.

Interval snacks - Guinness and ice cream:
Well, it is the Gorbals on St Patrick's Day.

Mark's stage set includes a storage box (for his clipboard, notebooks, and a glass bowl filled with folded papers), a coatstand (bare), and a flipchart listing his set topics. 

Fortunately, Mark knows how to craft and deliver a joke down to the nth degree. He'd also cleverly structured the show to avoid one-liner overload, introducing elements like Mind Reading and Magic between topics. Inevitably, these bits were setups for more jokes. 

His longest joke involved recording the ages of most of the front two rows, then apologising for how long it took. "Sorry about that. Took ages." (wiggles eyebrows).

At the start of the show, he wore a tuxedo. Over the course of the evening, he took off his jacket, then his bowtie, swapped his brogues for trainers, his trousers for jogging bottoms and removed his shirt, revealing a vest, which he covered with a hoodie. I anticipated a punchline along the lines of "Got to jog off now. That's the end of the show." Then he'd turn back and say, "Did you like the running gag?" What he actually did was far cleverer. 

Mark is a master of funny. Shame it hasn't rubbed off on his support act.    

Ticket Price: £48.00 (for two tickets, includes a booking fee (£2) and venue fee (£2) per ticket) from SEE Tickets