Massive Wagons, "Triggered" UK Tour 2023, La Belle Angele, Edinburgh. Tuesday 25th April, 2023

Tour blurb (edited)

Following on from the tremendous success of their co-headline tour with Ugly Kid Joe, rabble-rousing road dogs MASSIVE WAGONS have announced a new 10-date headline tour of the UK in April 2023, in support of their rifftastic new album ‘Triggered!‘ which crashed straight into the UK official album chart at #6 upon release, marking the second Top 10 album for the Lancaster band.

Frontman Barry “Baz” Mills declares, “Straight back at it, it’s what we do innit! If you came out to see us with Ugly Kid Joe and you enjoyed the experience then why not come and see us again on the ‘TRIGGERED’ headline tour! Loved playing tracks from the new album, gonna shake it up with some more new one's cos they have been really fun to play… hopefully, we are hitting up a town somewhere near you, grab a ticket and come join the fun!”

'Triggered' was one of my favourite albums of last year so when I heard the band were touring I looked up the dates and discovered their only Scottish gig was in Edinburgh. I hummed and hawed. Was it worth the journey through? The album is really good. What the hell, let's do this. It'll be a little adventure. I booked the time off work and bought the tickets.

I'd never been to La Belle Angele before. It's a small club down a back alley in the Cowgate. We migrated to a round, white, high table in the middle of the dancefloor happy to have a clear view of the stage. 

The Virginmarys came on at 7.20 pm. The duo play loud rock akin to Royal Blood or Slaves. And they were loud. I could feel the bass drum vibrations through my pint tumbler and when the lead singer scream-growled out the lyrics, my ears hurt like the sound was trying to scour out my earwax. Not a pleasant feeling but I still enjoyed what they played. It had a raw rockiness that appealed. 

Before the main act, two giants pushed into the space on the opposite side of our table between us and the stage, two pints each in hand. There was no politeness in the way they invaded the space. The couple who had been standing there were elbowed out of the way so the ogres could put down their pints. 

The table proved a mixed blessing. Now the venue was packed, it attracted punters like the shipwrecked to a desert island, unaware the gap in the crowd was due to a table. Once they arrived, there was nowhere else for them to go so the surroundings became more and more cramped, bodies constantly bumping into one another. There wasn't even space to raise an arm to salute the band.

Massive Wagons came on at 8.30 pm and played for an hour and a half, missing out some of their bigger hits in favour of some oldies, plus a trio of cover songs that expressed the variety of their influences (see the setlist below). 

The lead singer, Baz, is charismatic, like a Lancastrian Noddy Holder, complete with porkpie hat and massive sideburns, only with a long, dark mane that stretches down his back. I'd read that he recently had vocal problems but there was little evidence of it tonight. The stage wasn't that big but he still managed to twirl his mic stand and pace about the stage like a rapper. I couldn't see much of the rest of the band because of the ogres, especially when they leaned closer together to chat, which they did a lot.

I wouldn't have been so annoyed at them - they had to stand somewhere - except when the one in the Sticky T-shirt returned from the toilet, he manhandled a small chap who'd migrated into his space, physically grabbing him by the shoulder and forcing him aside. The chap had to spend the rest of the gig with his view blocked. This spoiled the gig for me. The venue should really keep a separate area for thugs like this - Kunt Korner - somewhere near the bar and the toilet but away from the rest of us. Call the thugs VIPs but don't tell them the P stands for Prick.

With my view obscured, I just had to listen to the music. When they played Generation Prime, I found myself taken over by the track. My head and body started rockin, like I would have done in my youth. Then I felt the nudge of two folded arms in my back as the punter behind protected himself from my gyrations. A sombre reflection of a sad situation, having done that myself many times at previous gigs. I just wasn't allowed to enjoy myself. 

Oh well, can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I would go back and see Massive Wagons again but only in a bigger venue. I'm getting too old for this cramped club shite.

Ticket Price: £22.50 inc fees.  

Setlist

Gone Are the Days

Triggered

Never Been a Problem

A.S.S.H.O.L.E.

Sawdust

Buck

Hallescrewya

Fuck the Haters

Germ

Please Stay Calm

Your Love (The Outfield cover)

Creeping Death (Metallica cover)

Livin la Vida Loca (Ricky Martin cover)

Generation Prime

House of Noise

Northern Boy

Encore:

Skateboard

Ratio

In It Together

The Virginmarys

Massive Wagons

The desert island table 

GŴYL CRIME CYMRU FESTIVAL, Aberystwyth, Wales. Friday 21st April to Sunday 23rd April, 2023

This is a personal account of my experience at the festival. I did not attend every event so I can only comment on those I did. 

(Quotes are from the online brochure)

EVENT 2: DRAGON PARADE

Castle Point to Bandstand

Time : 18.00 – 18.45 Friday 21st, April.

Join the members of Crime Cymru and a host of international authors, as we kick off this year’s festival with the Dragon Parade from Castle Point to the Bandstand.

All welcome!

This was less a Dragon Parade and more an author stroll. Gathering at Castle Point, the organisers, helpers and several authors made their way in dribs and drabs along the Promenade towards the Bandstand. The only dragon connection came in the form of a few small Welsh flags, one face mask and one silly hat. The accompanying policeman showed little interest in staying once they reached the Bandstand. Few turned out to watch the procession. 

In other words, the Dragon had no puff. But it had ceremonial significance.

EVENT 6: TRADE SECRETS AND TWISTED IDENTITIES

Ceredigion Museum 10.15 – 11.15 am, Saturday 22nd April 

Writing a long series has its own difficulties, as does writing under two names in two different directions. How do you keep track? What are the things you know from your other lives that you bring to your writing? Learn a few trade secrets from three of the best.

Panellists : Caro Ramsay, Zoë Sharp

Chair : Sarah Ward

Close Up Reader : Stephen Puleston

No sign of a Close Up reader at this event, nor any reading. Sarah Ward did a fantastic job of interviewing Caro and Zoë, eliciting tales of their writing journeys from origin to the present day. Both guests were good value. I had a question ready to ask at the end but the first hand up beat me to it.

(C) Belinda Bauer

EVENT 8: STICK OR TWIST?

Ceredigion Museum, 11.30 – 12.30 pm, Saturday 22nd April.

Standalone crime novels versus series – what are the challenges and rewards of each? Should you ‘stick’ with one main protagonist and follow them in a series, or should you ‘twist’ and start from scratch with each book? Join Louise Mumford as she chats to Belinda Bauer and Philip Gwynne Jones to find out the pros and cons of each style of crime fiction.

Panellists : Belinda Bauer, Philip Gwynne Jones

Chair : Louise Mumford

Close Up Reader : Eamonn Griffin

I had to go to this one. Belinda is one of my writing heroes, ever since she tutored a course I attended at Ty Newydd. Her talents know no bounds. I was unfamiliar with Phil and Louise. That didn't matter. It turned out they were both delightful.

As the Close Up reader was absent, Phil stepped in and read the piece beautifully. He has such a rich, resonant tone to his voice.

I didn't ask a question despite being challenged beforehand by Belinda to do so. She would have been annoyed if I had. I was going to ask for their 25-word pitch for their latest Work In Progress.

EVENT 18: SCOTTISH NOIR

Ceredigion Museum, 18.30 – 19.30, Saturday 22nd April. 

Tartan Noir has been one of the great successes in crime fiction in recent years. Here three of the best – James Oswald, Caro Ramsay and Douglas Skelton – join their Celtic cousins to discuss the appeal of crime from two borders up.

Panellists: James Oswald, Caro Ramsay, Douglas Skelton

Chair: Barry Forshaw

No Guest Reader 

(Did no one want to do it at this timeslot or did they run out of Welsh talent?)

This panel was another major reason for making the trip to Aber (as the locals call it). While I wasn't familiar with James' work, I know Caro and Douglas both very well and they are always good fun in person. 

I felt this panel suffered by having too many guests. It might have worked better if Caro, with her infamous caustic wit, had interviewed the boys. We didn't need Barry's smooth English charm. Despite knowing his stuff, he felt out of place on this panel. 

EVENT 26: CRIMINAL FANTASY

Ceredigion Museum 13.15 – 14.15, Sunday 23rd April.

Crime can be found in many guises – sometimes a nightmare, sometimes the darkest fantasy. When crossing boundaries, be it the veil or genre definition, what are the benefits, and the drawbacks to the crime framework? Both Ben Aaronovitch, one of the leading fantasy crime novelists in the country with his Rivers of London series, and Abi Barden, with her steampunk Aether Chronicles series, prove that mixing crime and ‘other’ can be done so to great effect.

Panellists: Ben Aaronovitch, Abi Barden (GB Williams)

Chair: Jacky Collins

Close Up Reader: Cheryl Rees Price

Again, no sign of the Close Up Reader in person, so Phil Gwynne Jones stepped in to read and held us captive reciting the author's words. 

There were more seats laid out for this panel than the others I'd attended but that was because the Clare Mackintosh panel the previous night had sold out and they added extra capacity. Not that this one was quiet. Ben proved the major draw, at least in terms of the number of questions directed to him at the end. Fans aplenty! 

I'm not sure if interviewer Jacky Collins knew the authors' work intimately, her questions being a bit general and fuzzy. Both Ben and Abi (aka GB Williams, festival organiser) were funny,  sharing some honest answers about their process and how they work. (Ben thinks the best murderers should be farmers - plenty of land, heavy equipment and access to chemicals). This panel was actually my favourite (don't tell Belinda!), which I think says more about my reading preferences than anything else. 

With crime and imagination, it's hard to beat fantasy.  

Bev Jones steps in to introduce the event in Welsh
and English, when no Welsh speakers were available,
despite not being fluent in the former.

Phil stepped in again for the Close Up Reader,
despite not even being on the panel.

Jacky Collins, laid back style

The hat's off so Abi Barden is now GB Williams,
thinking "Another audience question not for me."

Ben Aaronovitch revealed his writing chair is custom-made.
It is so expensive it is the only item listed individually
on his house-contents insurance form.

Dara Ó Briain, "So...Where Were We?" Tour, SEC Armadillo, Glasgow. Thursday 20th April, 2023

Tour blurb:

"At the end of his last tour, Dara had performed the show "Voice Of Reason" 180 times, over 2 years across 20 countries, from Auckland to Reykjavik, from Moscow to New York; and by March 2020 he was ready for a break!

He would now like to apologise for saying that and will never wish for anything like that again.

Yes, he's back on tour and will never stop again, because that's clearly what caused all this trouble. Instead, in his new show 'So... Where Were We?', Dara will hardly mention the last year and a half, because, Jesus, who wants to hear about that, but will instead fire out the usual mix of stories, one-liners, audience messing, and tripping over his words because he is talking too quickly because he's so giddy to be back in front of a crowd."

This was an odd gig. I don't know if it was due to the crowd atmosphere or the venue's aesthetics but Dara seemed to have to work awfully hard to land the jokes. He is normally a natural at crowd work, using it to smooth the links between bits, referring back to individuals whenever relevant. Tonight, his crowd interactions all seemed crowbarred in just before the interval, like he'd forgotten he needed a roster to punctuate his later jokes. Then again, given the nature of that material, maybe he didn't need them but did it anyway like muscle memory. 

In the first half, he discussed what it was like growing up in Ireland and how the craic often trumps the truth when it comes to relating a good tale. He told us of the time as a baby he'd fallen head-first into a drain, with all the garnish his mother afforded the story. Then he told us how he found out the truth. Some of the references didn't travel well, evoking a silent stare from the audience when he expected a belly laugh, forcing him to explain how an Irish audience would react to his story. It's not funny if you have to explain it. The same applied to a gag whose punchline required the listener to know the meaning of the German word Schadenfreude.    

The Irish cultural references continued in the second half. The bulk of the set involved a long routine about his search to find his natural mother, having been taken from her and adopted as a baby. For reasons best known to the Catholic Church and the Irish State this was a common occurrence at the time. Back home in Ireland, this material packed a punch. Over here, not so much, with Dara having to explain the cultural significance.   

Comedians like Dara need life experiences to source their funny so a pandemic of nearly two years rather messed with his creative opportunities. He crafted a particularly personal story but I'm not sure it worked for this audience. I give him credit for going there though.  

The final oddity of the night arose as a consequence of the gig overrunning. Dara had started late, at 7.45 pm instead of 7.30 pm, so, as we left, it sounded like the sound person had downed tools, the music abruptly stopping mid-song, leaving us to shuffle out in silence. Way to kill off any post-gig atmosphere. 

Ticket price: £23 x2 plus service charge £3.15 and facility charge £1.75 (via Ticketmaster)

Because nothing sells comedy better than sitting under spooky UV light 

Jon Richardson, The Knitwit UK Tour 2022/23, King's Theatre, Glasgow. Wednesday 19th April, 2023

Tour blurb: 

"Will the recycling be put out on the right day? Who is going to smooth over the top of the margarine? How many lights are on upstairs when everybody is downstairs? Watch Jon pretend that these aren't his foremost concerns as he leaves home on his first tour since the last one."

This was a late purchase when I realised the gig had an 8pm start, so I could make it despite being a work day. As such, my wife and I ended up in different rows in the stalls. But it was worth it. It was brilliant. A laugh fest from beginning to end.  

From the moment he took to the stage (no support act), dressed unusually for him in a suit (with yellow lapels), I knew this was a different Jon. This was a confident Jon, excited to be playing the King's Theatre, Glasgow. With one hour and forty minutes of honed material, he threw out set pieces like they were confetti (in-joke). He opened by wishing happy birthday to a member of the audience whose wife had tweeted him, then proceeded to rinse her with his in-depth knowledge of her social media accounts. Another tweeter in the second row who claimed she wanted to marry him was also addressed, questioning how her boyfriend, Sean, who wasn't present, felt about this. The highlight of the first half was the discussion of his childhood climbing rope discovery and the condition it aroused. 

The second half began with him in full biker gear, riding onto the stage on his mean machine (a kiddie electric motorbike). He then shared insights into his married life and how he initially didn't understand how opposites attract until he met his wife. He finished on a personal story about anal itching, which for him reflected personal growth. 

The only bit that didn't work was his intention to sing a song at the very end. He expected us to stop him. We didn't so he had to stop himself before the outro music kicked in. He'd overrun by seven minutes so the house lights came up rather sharply as soon as he left the stage. 

When I returned home, I realised I still had this in my pocket:

Which isn't a heroin foil, but came from this:

 Which, in turn, came from this:

Which, despite being five days after their best-before date, still have to be eaten, otherwise Jon would not be amused at me adding to the planet's food wastage. 

Ticket Price: £24.75 (x2) plus booking fee £5.34 and transaction fee £3.80 (via ATG)

An Evening with Fran Lebowitz, Theatre Royal, Glasgow. Sunday 16th April, 2023

Tour blurb: 

"An American original and purveyor of urban cool, the cultural satirist and author is pointed, forthright, unapologetically opinionated, and known for her hilariously dry social commentary on American life. Lebowitz’s recent Netflix documentary series directed by good friend Martin Scorsese, Pretend It’s A City, was an unmitigated hit with its offering of a tantalizing snapshot of New York in full bloom, along with Lebowitz’s lively and unapologetic commentary on what it means to live there.

For a limited run of dates, Lebowitz will be live in conversation, sharing her invariably cutting take on anything and everything; from growing up in New Jersey and being expelled from her high school for being a bad influence on her peers, to moving to New York City in the ’70s, and writing a column for Andy Warhol’s Interview magazine. She’ll offer insights on such timely issues as gender, race, gay rights, and the media, as well as on her own pet peeves—including celebrity culture, tourists, and baby strollers."

I purchased tickets for this event more as an indulgence. I can't claim to have read any of her work and I've only ever seen her on tv, such as on Real Time with Bill Maher and Pretend It's a City. She's always funny, in a character-comic sense. Only it's not an act. She states her opinions and, generally, they are hilarious. She has no concern if you agree with them or not because she is correct in her own mind. 

For the first act, she was interviewed by journalist Matthew Stadlen, who sounded very plummy with his posh London accent. His questions were neither probing nor that interesting and jumped all over the place but at least she could understand him. Her responses were witty and in character. I got the sense that she hadn't warmed to him.   

The audience loved her. The demographic was mainly middle-class with a few rich arty types, who'd dressed up for the theatre, with fancy haircuts and designer spectacles. FANE must have kept the ticket prices lofty to keep out the Glasgow riff-raff.

Then came the second act, where the audience got to ask questions. I think you'll be able to guess why this section was less satisfying: a New Yorker in her seventies with little experience with Scottish accents, in a theatre with four floors, asking the audience to shout out their questions. We either got silence or too many people shouting out. Those in the upper levels who raised their hand had no idea if she was pointing at them or someone else. Then she couldn't make out what they were saying and had to rely on those in the stalls to repeat/ translate. Fran did her best and was consistently funny but her not getting the question wore thin.  

The question I wanted to ask was why she'd requested no mics (see image). It would have been far more sensible to have the audience email or text in their questions and allow Fran to pick the ones she wanted to answer. But then she doesn't use or own a mobile phone or a laptop. 

I noticed a few in the Dress Circle leaving before the end. I found out why as we left. The queue for the book signing was looooong. I didn't wait. 

As a curiosity, the event was okay but not much more.        

Ticket Price: £41.50 (x2) plus booking fee £5.80 and transaction fee £2.80 (via ATG)

Ryan Adams, Royal Concert Hall, Glasgow. Sunday 9th April, 2023

Tour blurb:

"Multi-Grammy nominated, singer-songwriter Ryan Adams is coming to Glasgow Royal Concert Hall as part of a long-awaited return to the UK.

The concert will feature Ryan, his guitars and a piano in an acoustic tour-de-force – playing songs across his awe-inspiring catalogue. During Spring 2022’s East-Coast US run, he performed a stunning 168 songs over five nights in shows that averaged two hours and forty minutes.

Alone on the stage, this show will be an intimate showcase of Ryan’s lifelong dedication to songwriting in which his abilities are highly adored by artistic peers and cherished fans alike. Bewitching vocals and captivating guitar playing-combined with a new setlist at each show - ensure that this performance will be a truly unique and unmissable occasion for all of those who appreciate the craft and performance of Adams’ unique soulfulness."

I must confess, I didn't know much about Ryan Adams before this gig. A mate offered me a free ticket and I accepted. I didn't spend much time familiarising myself with his work, bar a couple of streams of one of his live albums. I was going in cold. 

I knew from the spiel that it was going to be a long show with no support act. Just him, his guitars, a harmonica and a piano. The staging was stripped back too: a few rugs, his instruments, a chair, a piano stool, a couple of tables and some side and standard lamps to provide illumination. It gave the impression he was busking in his living room.  

Beforehand we didn't know what time he was coming on stage. The ticket said 7pm, the website said 7.30 pm and it was only when we arrived that we discovered it was 8pm. Which gave us plenty of time to people-watch in the foyer beside the upstairs bar.

The venue operates a £1 deposit system for the cups. A senior team member put up a couple of posters indicating refunds would only be made in the Exhibition Room after the show. This did not deter one female customer who insisted on receiving hers there and then, having finished her drink. This prompted my mate to chance his arm for his refund too. The staff member was quite prickly with him but, as she'd just set a precedent previously, she relented but only after moaning at him that she wasn't supposed to do it because they were too busy (as the other three bartenders stood idly by, awaiting business). 

Inside the auditorium, my mate got chatting with the elderly man beside him, who expressed a deep love for Ryan's music, going way back. The man mentioned that his wife, beside him, also loved Ryan. I didn't realise how pickled the pair were until Ryan started playing and she attempted to sing along, neither knowing the words nor able to hold a tune. At one point, as Ryan tuned his guitar, she even attempted to match the notes, sounding like a discordant echo. 

The man was just as bad. His confidence was bolstered early on when he shouted out during a quiet moment, "How you doin'?" to which Ryan replied, "Good...bit busy...I'm at my work," which raised a titter from the audience. After that, the man couldn't shut up, either droning along to the songs or engaging his wife in conversation like they were watching him at home. This wouldn't have been a problem at most gigs, but this one was so intimate that everyone in our block could hear them. They were spoiling the experience.

At the intermission, the pair got up to visit the loo and, in her marinated state, the woman took a tumble, bouncing off the back of the seats in front, landing at my feet with a thump. I didn't help her up, partly because I didn't know if she was injured and partly because it was self-inflicted. She must have hurt herself though because the pair didn't return for the second half. This was probably a good thing, not just for our sanity. I doubt she could have managed the stairs again in a downward direction without a gravity-assisted visit to the stalls (we were up on a side balcony). 

(After the show, an usher immediately scoured the row and located the woman's mobile phone. Why pay for tickets for an artist you admire and then get so inebriated you lose your phone and miss half the show? It doesn't make sense to me!). 

 

During the interval, I heard a familiar voice and discovered a former colleague was sitting with some friends in the row in front. He's a huge Adams fan and was most annoyed by the couple's constant noise. They were considering a move to another location like others had done to get away from them (the gig wasn't a sellout so there were a few spaces). That sounded like a great idea so we did it too, transferring to seats in the row behind further along, not knowing at the time that the couple weren't coming back.  

 

Although most of the set sounded similar to me, not knowing the songs, I did enjoy Ryan's cover versions, particularly Wasted Years, originally by Iron Maiden (his version of Powerslave seemed an odd choice to play acoustically). I appreciated Ryan's humour and the way he interacted with the audience. When someone shouted out while he was talking to the audience, he shouted over him, apologising for shouting over him, repeating the apology every time the man spoke until he finally got the message. I warmed to Ryan's relaxed charm. He's good company and gave good value with a set that lasted nearly three hours (including intermission).

Did I enjoy it? Yes. He is a talented musician and songwriter.

Would I go back? Probably not (unless he was performing a set of heavy metal covers - that I'd pay to see).     

   

Ticket Price: £50.40.

Setlist

Set 1:

Oh My Sweet Carolina

Ashes & Fire

Everybody Knows

16 Days (Whiskeytown song)

The Rescue Blues

My Winding Wheel

Dear Chicago

Dirty Rain

Two

New York, New York (On piano)

Answering Bell

Trouble

Why Do They Leave?

La Cienega Just Smiled

Some Might Say (Oasis cover)

Gimme Something Good

Wasted Years (Iron Maiden cover)

Powerslave (Iron Maiden cover)

Set 2:

To Be Young (Is to Be Sad, Is to Be High)

When the Stars Go Blue

To Be Without You

My Wrecking Ball

Am I Safe

Firecracker

Prisoner

Carolina Rain

The End (Ryan Adams & the Cardinals song)

Lovesick Blues (Elsie Clark cover)

English Girls Approximately

Don't You (Forget About Me) (Simple Minds cover)

Kim

Outbound Train

Cast No Shadow (Oasis cover)

Come Pick Me Up

He's waving goodnight, not doing a highland fling.

The queue for cup refunds snaked around the hall.
It looked like a few thrifty scavengers were trying to recoup the cost of their ticket

Phil Wang, "Wang in There, Baby!", Kings Theatre, Glasgow. Sunday, 2nd April, 2023.

 

Tour blurb: 

"Hot off the heels of his critically acclaimed Netflix special, David Letterman appearance, and role on Life & Beth with Amy Schumer, Phil Wang is bringing a brand new stand-up show to venues nationwide. He's chatting race, family, nipples, and everything else that's been going on in his Philly little life."

I didn't think I was racist. Okay, before the gig, we did go to a Chinese restaurant for dinner, possibly not a coincidence. And I did notice a few more Chinese people than usual in the audience. Then I discovered I'd confused Pierre Novellie (Phil's support act) with Marcel Lucont, thinking he was 'that' French comedian when in fact he's South African. I'm now hanging my head in shame.  

Pierre was drily funny, even with his frequent use of the word wet. As a support act, he was good but I'm not sure I could tolerate a whole hour of his material. His pacing is so steady he could be used as a beta blocker for excitable lovebirds.  

Phil Wang is a slick comedian. He knows how to construct jokes, with toppers and callbacks, and how to make them flow. He's played the US talk shows and you can hear it in his delivery. He's mostly a safe comedian, rarely treading on anything edgy (though he did admit he liked ten-year-old girls...when he was ten). 

He lost me tonight though when he claimed, in this country, the most Ibuprofen you can buy in one transaction is 32 tablets. He made a big deal about it, relating it to his experience in the States where the smallest pack size available in their pharmacy was 1000. He joked he wanted to end his headache, not his life. I wanted to heckle, "We sell packs of ninety-six in Boots," but that would have spoiled the entire joke. And I didn't want to be branded a racist for heckling a half-Chinese comedian when I don't heckle other non-half-Chinese comedians. Pedantry is often confused with racism.  

The couple in front of me had an interesting dynamic. They missed the support act arriving during the interval clutching their drinks. During the show, she found Phil Wang hysterical, laughing so hard she had to throw her head back onto the back of the seat, even snorting with laughter a couple of times. Regularly she would turn to her boyfriend to check that he found it equally funny. I noticed the more she did this, the more he began to exaggerate his laughter to match her energy. His laughter got louder and his shoulders shook more. He would turn to her and she would smile, pleased they were so in tune with each other. And then I wondered if he did the same during sex. If she was wild and expressive, did he become louder and more expressive too? If she orgasmed like Lulu's opening bars to Shout, did he scream 'yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah'?

And then I realised I'm just as pervy as Phil (I do, however, draw the line at stating my penis length in print. As an author, I have no desire to fact-check such information and have never used a 3 m-long tape measure to find out. A ruler sufficed, though what the Queen's mouth was in inches, I'll never know now).

Ticket Price: £23.50 (x2) plus booking fee £5.80, transaction fee £2.80 (via ATG).

Possibly the worst result available from the backdrop puggy