The M74/M8 was road-spray central until about halfway to Edinburgh, making the journey less pleasant than on previous occasions. At least it's dry in the capital. Disembarking the tram at West End, I look for the EICC, get a bit lost and decide to find somewhere for lunch first, choosing The Caley Picture House on Lothian Road. A former cinema, this unusual building features tiered levels overlooking a huge wall where the screen would have been. I desire a Caledonian burger, but the app informs me they're out of onion rings and asks if I'm happy to swap the missing items for more chips. No, I'm not. I pick something else. A waiter brings my drink, then later a waitress appears carrying two plates, asking the people in the booth beside mine if they'd ordered a chicken burger. They say no. She asks me. I say, "Yes, that's mine". There are six onion rings on the plate (along with the burger and chips). She returns to the first table and asks if they ordered the Caledonian burger. They did. It has onion rings too. WTF?
I let it go. No point in dwelling on it. I have deeper wounds to wallow over. The editorial assessment of the novel I've been working on for six years returned yesterday. Thirteen pages: one page of what works, nine of what doesn't and three pages of queries over plot points/holes. The "What Doesn't" is a painful read. I've failed to write in the close voice of a teen girl, despite me pretending for ever so long that I could. There's more criticism, but they're just nails in the coffin. The book is dead. I'm grieving.
So with this weighing on my mind, I attend my first show of the day, and my first show not from the Comedy section of the Fringe programme.
This show is phenomenal. Even though Alex has a page of notes on the stool beside his pint of water, he delivers his material with passion, precision and pitch-perfect timing. His comic reversals are masterful, his stories fascinating. Big laughs.
I find a fantastic seat in the third row in the middle of the middle section. Above the stage is a screen for live captioning. Host Dom McGovern, gay, camp and caustically funny, makes the most of the opportunity, repeating the C word like a machine gun for Claire the captioner to type.
21:40 (1hr) Jonathan Oldfield: Exquisite Corpse
Blurb:
More Americans were in front of me for Jonathan's show. Inside, they didn't want to move to the end of the row, preferring to claim the aisle seats. This wasn't for accessibility needs. They just felt they deserved to choose their seats. C words (in the West of Scotland sense).
14:30 (1hr 20mins) 11½ Angry Men
Pentland Theatre in Pleasance at EICC. Ticket Price: £25
Blurb:
Edinburgh Fringe 2003's legendary classic 12 Angry Men returns, hilariously spoofed as 11½ very angry comedians attempt to decide the fate of a boy accused of heinous murder in 1950s NYC... Will a lethal German sausage save him? Or send him sizzling to Old Sparky? The jurors: Stephen K Amos, Joe Pasquale (Fringe debut!), Tom Stade, Spencer Jones, Mark Maier, Glenn Wool, JJ Whitehead, Ian Coppinger, Terry Alderton, Phil Nichol, David Calvitto and Owen O'Neill seek a unanimous verdict while the evidence against him stinks, but can they find their way to a conviction? Director: Guy Masterson.
There is a lot of comedic talent on the stage, but the best thing about this play is the Pentland Theatre's comfortable seating. I have space to stretch out with no one around me. Billed as hilarious, this play is almost completely bereft of laughs. It's the script that should be on trial pending execution. I'd have loved to have seen the serious version of this play that the comedians performed in 2003. This version is not entirely a waste of time, but it comes close. The final moment of the play provides a lovely comic visual before the blackout, so it ends well.
17:30 (1hr) Alex Edelman: What Are You Going to Do
Cabaret Bar in Pleasance Courtyard. Ticket Price: £15
Blurb:
Alex Edelman's last Fringe show, Just for Us, earned an Edinburgh Comedy Award Best Show nomination and kicked off a journey that culminated in a run on Broadway and an HBO special – garnering him a Tony and an Emmy in the process. This summer, after stops in some of America's most prestigious theatres, he returns to the Pleasance for a two-week offering, heaving with jokes about things like seashells, an amputee hospital in Jerusalem, various deities and our personal responsibilities amidst global conflict.
As Alex arrives outside the venue, he bumps into Rosie Jones, who's just finished her show in the venue. He blows her kisses, but she insists on a hug. I'm surrounded by Americans in the queue. To be fair, Alex is American, so they are only supporting their countryman. Either that or they're here because they recognise how gifted he is as a comedian. I suspect the latter.
Inside, I find a seat beside two oldies in the second row (they got to skip the queue). The Blue Nile's "Tinseltown in the Rain" is playing, a salve reminding me my depression won't last. Oasis's Little By Little plays next. I'm getting the message. Cheer up, grumpy.
This show is phenomenal. Even though Alex has a page of notes on the stool beside his pint of water, he delivers his material with passion, precision and pitch-perfect timing. His comic reversals are masterful, his stories fascinating. Big laughs.
For example, while sitting at a table at a Christian Music Awards ceremony, surrounded by the pinnacle of Christian music artists, he's asked as a Jew what he thought about Jesus. Alex replies, "That Jesus is definitely in his Top 5 of Jewish magicians". Aghast, Jelly Roll says, "Top Five?" Alex responds, "Well, Harry Houdini would have been off that cross in under five minutes, juggling the nails, is all I'm saying, okay?"
Or, as a hospital clown, Alex tried to entertain a boy with an amputated arm, only for the boy to reiterate that despite losing his arm, Alex was still the worst thing that had ever happened to him.
The show covers a breadth of topics, but ties up neatly at the end. What more do you want? A cure for insomnia? Yup, he's got that too.
19:30 (1 hr 30 mins) Tartan Ribbon Comedy Benefit
Grand in Pleasance Courtyard. Ticket Price: £15
Blurb:
The best night of comedy on the Fringe returns! Join us for a raucous night of laughter to raise much-needed funds for Waverley Care, Scotland's HIV and Hepatitis C charity. The Tartan Ribbon has become a much-loved staple of the Fringe each year, with this year's line-up including Larry Dean, Rosie Jones, Rhys James, Sam Nicoresti, Ayoade Bamgboye, Dane Buckley, Marty Gleeson and MC Dom McGovern. It's guaranteed to sell out, so book your tickets early!
After Alex's show, I nipped to the toilet, then joined the queue for the Tartan Ribbon Comedy Benefit at the Pleasance Grand, now in its thirty-fourth year. Ticket scanned, I'm given a yellow disc to return on the way in. It's a great system that allows smooth entry.
The talent performing at the benefit is top-notch. Rhys James, Larry Dean and Rosie Jones are the best-known, but everyone brings their A-game. When Ayoade Bamgboye is discussing losing her white virginity, mentioning phallic details, a baby at the back of the room cries, sending her into an embarrassing tailspin. When Dom returns as MC, he also notices the children present and immediately regrets his caption-swear tirade. Ah, the beauty of live comedy.
This was top-tier entertainment for a serious cause. AIDS may not be the deadly condition it once was, with the plan being to eradicate it in Scotland by 2035, but it still needs the funding to make this aim come to fruition. The Pleasance has raised £53k so far this year. After they count the money in the tubs, they hope to make that £60k.
21:40 (1hr) Jonathan Oldfield: Exquisite Corpse
Pleasance Courtyard Below. Ticket Price: £14.50
Blurb:
The Oxford English Dictionary describes a corpse as (1) a body or (2) spoiling a performance by laughing. Jonathan Oldfield will be using both definitions in his highly anticipated debut show of exquisitely silly character comedy. Creator and star of BBC Radio 4's award-winning Time of the Week. BBC New Comedy Awards finalist. Director of Lorna Rose Treen and Joe Kent-Walters. You may also have seen him in Star Wars: Andor or seen those sketches online that someone sent you. 'Brilliant' (Observer). 'Always funny' (Chortle.co.uk). 'Left me snorting with laughter' (BroadwayWorld.com).
Jonathan greeted us as we entered, his arm in a sling. He informed us that this was the eighth time he had broken it, seven times between eight and thirteen. He had been at a wedding before the Fringe and fell on the dance floor. This causes him technical difficulties. The front rows have been asked to draw heads, bodies and legs for use in the show, and he can't line up the boards using his one good arm. He asks for a couple of volunteers from the front row to assist. He also needs help opening a packet of Haribo thathe'll use later in the show and a tube of crisps. The girl helping opens the packet and is allowed to take one of the sweets before opening the tube. She craps herself when a massive, spring-loaded snake bursts forth, whereupon Jonathan admits to being a bit of a prankster.
The show is a character comedy, with Jonathan performing as himself, as himself as a character, and as comedy characters, some of which he makes up from the pictures the audience has drawn.
It's a manic hour. He performs with the energy of a young Phil Nichol, and despite the chaos on display, the show is more scripted than it appears, with sound and music cues used to comic effect throughout.
A good way to end my day.
The walk back to the tram is lonely. Being a Tuesday night, the streets are not busy. The homeless are more evident, pitching up in doorways. I accidentally freak out an older man by matching his journey along the cobbled street behind the castle all the way along to the bus stop before the West End Tram stop. He suddenly halts at that bus stop and turns around, but I continue to the tram and don't look back. I'm sure he'll be talking about his lucky escape today.
I spotted a few celebs (?) today: Robert Peston was in the Pleasance bar area, as was Nish Kumar, pausing to take selfies with a group of fans. Outside the Pleasance, Eric Rushton made his way inside while I was queuing for Jonathan's show, and afterwards, Rosie was outside talking to someone.
On the way home, I considered alternative ways to salvage my book. Six years is too long to waste an original setting. I need to find the right voice that isn't YA. Maybe one more like my own. That story's not over.
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