GICF Comedy Gala 2026, King's Theatre, Glasgow. Sunday 29th March, 2026

This was my third consecutive GICF Gala in a row, and it had probably the strongest line-up so far. 

As we were also seeing Alan Davies later on, we decided to make a day of it. We put the dogs into the kennels and arranged to have lunch with Colette and her hubby at The Griffen before the show. Graeme brought the car, not realising that on-street parking is no longer free on a Sunday, and ended up parking quite a distance away, on the other side of Charing Cross. He'll not do that again (they got soaked in the rain on the walk back after the show).

The lunch was good. We pencilled in doing it again next year.

The view from our seats.

The Gala opened with Almost Angelic, the musical double act of Karen Dunbar and Tom Urie, kicking the show off in absurd style. Afterwards, a stagehand pushed the platform, upon which Tom sat with his keyboard, across the stage the long way, much to Karen's mock despair. They'll be supporting Marti Pellow at the Bandstand in August.

Susie McCabe, as MC, wasted no time bringing on the first act, Des Clarke. My wife and I had heard his jokes just a few days ago, including one which I repeated at lunch, but they were still funny. 

Next up was Susan Riddell, using PowerPoint to illustrate the material relating to her arrest for (alleged) "Terrorism and Malicious Mischief". She's barred from Edinburgh because of this as part of her bail conditions and has to accept a 7 pm curfew. I'd love to hear the full story sometime.

Fred MacAulay referenced one of Susan's jokes at the start of his five minutes. A veteran of the circuit, Fred gave a quality set. I'm looking forward to seeing him on tour later in the year (though I'll probably skip his show with Ally McCoist at the Armadillo at those ticket prices).

Amanda Dwyer gave a funny but low-energy set, winning over the audience.

Likewise, the relatively unknown Ifrah Qureshi gave a fine set, demonstrating a good eye for comedy, especially at her family's expense.

Connor Burns closed the first half, giving a performance that ably demonstrated why he sold out five shows at the King's this festival. He is a comedy superstar in the making.

After the break, Susie gave us five minutes on why her life has been a struggle of late, with a heart attack being the least of her worries.  

Then, Karen Dunbar returned for a routine about when she and her sister (God rest her soul) went to the social club and got hammered on the new beverage, White Lightning.            

Another newcomer, Jack Brookmyre, looked uncomfortable in his sleeveless denim jacket patched with heavy metal band logos, but gave a confident performance. His voice work is great, especially his Gollum. One to look out for.

Stuart Mitchell's star is in the ascendant. He's always reliable for a laugh and today was no exception.

Mhairi Black was a more left-field choice, but she showed that her transition from politics to stand-up has gone well. She has always been a great speaker and knows how to be funny.

Rosco McClelland closed the stand-up element of the Gala, confident enough to throw in some new material which didn't hit the mark. 

After this, the Festival Director, Krista MacDonald, gave an impassioned speech about celebrating Scottish comedy, a flourishing circuit despite the lack of financial support it receives as an art form. She introduced a video highlighting each nominee for the Billy Connolly Spirit of Glasgow Award. They were:

Top Row:

Amanda Dwyer (Comedian) 
Chris Conway (Comedy promoter/owner of Blackfriars of Bell Street)
Kate Hammer (Comedian)

Second Row:

Kim Blythe (Comedian)
Susan Riddell (Comedian)
Zara Gladman (Writer, performer, and producer)

The winner was: Amanda Dwyer.

Accepting the award, she was speechless, never believing she would win, already assuming that her Material Girl partner, Susan Riddell, would take it.  The short video they showed of Billy Connolly praising Amanda was quite emotional. He looked unwell, with the moonface of a man possibly on long-term steroids. Lovely to hear his voice, though.

As we departed the room, the audience was treated to an airing of his 1974 song, "If It Wasnae for Your Wellies". Lovely to hear that again.

All the nominees were present, even those not performing (Chris Conway isn't a comedian). I know this because an old friend of mine managed to snatch selfies with each individual at the stage door. It's his thing.

Outside, we spotted Dave Flynn, producer of Breaking the News. My wife wouldn't let me take his picture. She didn't need to say it. She just gave me a look.

Ticket Price: £24.10 x2 + Transaction Fee £3.95 = £52.15 from ATG Tickets.

GICF: Des Clarke "Life After Des", Citizens Theatre, Glasgow. Thursday 26th March, 2026

The cynic in me might think this show was an excuse for Des to dredge up his old bangers from ten years ago, the last time he did regular standup. When your set includes references to the attempted terrorist bombing at Glasgow airport (2007), jokes about Scottish contestants on Family Fortunes ("Name a kind of bean", buzz, "A lesbian") and Wheel of Fortune (Can I have a G for Jumper please),  and carrying the Olympic torch through Glasgow (2012), you realise he's replaying his greatest hits.

But that would be unkind. He is, but he knows it. And he does it very well.

Advert inside the unisex toilet door

Des grew up in the Gorbals in the high flats ("My nickname was Lemonade because I lived 7 up"), so this show, at the Citizens, is a homecoming for him. He's proud that he's been able to fill this theatre, the audience full of friends, family and fans (the front row is full of his aunts and cousins). He admits at the start that he's shitting himself, hoping it goes well, which it does. His natural charm and loquacity keep us engaged, even on the rare occasion when he fluffs a routine (he kept mixing up the accents about a conversation with an American tourist in Edinburgh. His material is well-constructed, rich in humour, and delivered with perfect timing.  

We feel warmth towards him because he presents as a local, working-class boy who done good. He often makes himself the butt of his jokes, such as when he accidentally did a Prince Charles impression in front of the man, or when he got flustered and forgot the Olympic torch-carrying information, then messed up his section of the run. He's not cocky about his success. He can't believe he's got as far as he has. 

I would say, though, if he decides to do another show, he'll need to come up with some fresh material.

The support act was Scottish comedian Robin Grainger. Robin opened with a routine harking back to 2022 when he performed a show at the Edinburgh Fringe to an audience of one, also known as an audient. The story snowballed when it was reported in The Scotsman, with Robin ending up giving press interviews to news organisations across the globe, becoming an overnight media sensation. He also commented on being single and dressing like a teen. His bath routine finale was hilarious. He's an engaging, funny and confident performer, but I don't know if I'd pay to see his show. He's still more of a mid-level performer.

A view of Grado and Adele  

On the Heart Radio Breakfast show, which Des co-hosts with Grado and Adele, listeners were asked which walk-on music Des should use, with the EastEnders theme and The One and Only by Chesney Hawkes mooted. In the end, he went with Back in Black by AC/DC, matching his stage apparel. 

The preshow music was suitably mainstream and of broad appeal to his radio audience.

House of Fun - Madness

Give a Little Bit - Supertramp

Send Me On My Way - Rusted Root

Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode

Once In a Lifetime - Talking Heads

Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard - Paul Simon

Home - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

At the interval, the woman on my left jiggled her bum so much to Jump In the Line by Harry Belafonte, I thought I was getting a lap dance. I enjoyed watching the ushers tell off the other patrons in the front row of the Circle for placing their drinks on the balcony shelf. I'd either be sending the ushers telepathic signals, urging them to pounce, or trying to muster telekinesis to knock the drink over the side.   

My eye was drawn to one of the statues within the room. I suspect she may be a distant relative of the Weeping Angels, known as a Saucy Angel, intended to make their victims look away. 

Don't blush!

Before you know it, you'd be living in the Noughties with a family of four and another on the way, thinking to yourself, "Where is that large automobile? This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife! Well... how did I get here?" 

At least, Des's material would be new.

Ticket Price: £27 x2 + Booking Fee £1.50 = £55.50 from the Citizens Theatre website.

GICF: Harry Enfield And No Chums! King's Theatre, Glasgow. Wednesday 25th March, 2026

I attended this gig on my own. The irony.

I expected a nostalgia-filled trip down memory lane, with Harry sharing clips from his various series, but that wasn't what we got. Yes, there were a couple of videos, but the screen was reserved mainly for photos of his family and his various comedy creations to illustrate the narrative of his life. Maybe he didn't want to pay the TV companies for the footage.   

He opened the show as King Charles III, wearing a crown (as per his merch). He thanked us, his subjects, for coming along, setting the tone with a joke about his brother Andrew. Then, having removed his headwear, he began recounting the tale of his life, from foetus to the present, peppering the show with stories about his characters, the people he worked with and the celebrities he encountered along the way. He also performed new sketches as some of his favourite creations. Harry's vocal mimicry is superb. He surprised us with a perfect Bob Mortimer and a snivelling Ricky Gervais, transforming the latter into Gollum, who fawned over Harry's talent. 

Things I learned:

He was one of four siblings, the only son. His mum developed post-natal depression after the birth of his youngest sister, and he took to gurning to try to lighten her spirits whenever she took one of her turns. He also ate coal and was a late developer.

He got sent to boarding school until age fifteen, being transferred to a regular comprehensive after he admitted to his parents that the Benedictine monk teachers regularly beat him.

Having passed his O Grades early, he got moved up a year, so he got to hang around with the big boys, who would take him to punk gigs in London, where he could nervously approach the likes of Joe Strummer post-gig to tell him how good they were.

At York University, he reluctantly went to the theatre with his girlfriend and had his eyes opened to the possibility of performing comedy. The double act they saw blew his mind with their Monty Python-style humour. He went on to form a double act called Dusty and Dick with Bryan Elsley (who later co-created Channel Four drama, "Skins"), took the show to Edinburgh, then headlined on the London comedy scene, with the likes of Paul Merton and Mullarkey and Myers in support (as in comedy legend Mike Myers). 

Paul Whitehouse was a mate who lived nearby on the Hackney estate (Charlie Higson was his next-door neighbour). Originally, a plasterer, Paul would latch onto character catchphrases, wringing the comedy from them. Harry would nick the best ones, writing them up into sketches. He paid Paul back by inviting him onto his show, and the rest is history.

Harry was friends with George Harrison. Once, when he was over at George's house, Paul McCartney popped over, and they all had a few drinks. The conversation devolved into bitterness as George related how his business manager had swindled Handmade Films out of millions, the ippy trippy hippy turning more scouse by the second, requiring Harry to step in with his "Calm down" catchphrase in the style of his Scouser character. Whether that actually happened is debatable, but it made a good story.

Harry had a home in Cornwall, but much as he loved the beautiful views, the village was full of London hoorahs. One day, driving through the village to visit a friend, the road was chock full of these posh snobs, so in the car, Harry shouted, "Get out of the bloody way", a phrase his young daughter repeated with the window wound down as they passed by, only to realise one of the poshers was the then Prime Minister, David Cameron. They had a right laugh until David also turned up at the friend's house. And that was how Harry became friends with David.

The follow-up to that story came when Harry wrote the poshers' sketch, in which the pair of gentlemen surmise that David is queer. The next time David phoned Harry, he introduced himself as "Hi, it's Queers". Lovely man, terrible politics.

They hired Kathy Burke for the TV show because her acting was so bloody good.

He wrote a series of sketches for a character called Patrick the Paedo Priest, but bottled it when it came to using them on TV. His then-ten-year-old son even suggested a sketch for him, using the character.      

  

The Q&A led to a wonderful anecdote about working with Vic and Bob as minor characters on a Comic Strip film. Bob wanted to leave for the day because he had no lines and was only required to be in the background, so he asked Harry to ask the director, Peter Richardson, for permission to leave. Peter declined, so as revenge, Bob placed a turd of his own making on top of the privet hedge that divided the two leads' trailers. The turd was allegedly visible in the shot during filming. If that's true, I wonder how long it will take for Bob to share that story on "Would I Lie To You?"

      

Harry is now sixty-five, too old to perform as Kevin the teenager, but not too old to give us a really funny night. 

"Loadsalaughs!" 

Ticket Price: £47.50 plus fees = £54.25 from GICF (on presale)

Blurb

From the meteoric rise of Loadsamoney, a Thatcherite Visionary, to the fury of Kevin the Teenager, Harry will reflect on 40 years of being in comedy and bring some of his favourite characters vividly back to life on stage.

Then it’s over to your questions: your chance to ask how it all works for him, what he’s most proud of, and what he says to the many who ask, “You wouldn’t be allowed to do your stuff today, would you?”

Don’t miss an unforgettable evening with a brilliantly silly and strikingly insightful comedian

GICF: Maisie Adam, Work in Progress, The Old Hairdressers, Glasgow. Sunday 22nd March, 2026

It's never fair to review a Work in Progress as, by definition, the jokes are not the finished article. So instead, I'll reflect on other aspects of the night (That makes it sound like she wasn't funny. I promise she was).

This was my first visit to The Old Hardressers, a pub, not a barber shop, on Renfield Lane (although this was something for the weekend). The narrow building does a good job of concealing its attic performance space. We queued on the first floor for what turned out to be an intimate show. 

Maisie had her notes and explained that she would rate our responses to each routine out of ten, like Strictly, only without the number paddle. Despite not being the finished product, she reassured us she could definitely give us £12 worth of jokes, the price we'd paid for our tickets (excluding booking fee). Fortunately, her hit rate was high, rarely below seven, except for the last joke, which she rated a five.

What was a bit different was when she stopped to ask us our opinion about whether one of her bits was laughing at someone or with them. She was worried it might reflect badly on someone who had done something out of love, not incompetence. That opened a debate with the crowd, turning the evening into a counselling session, a creative writing group, a Q&A time and therapy. By the end, we had all agreed that Edinburgh are fannies (that's not why she isn't playing there).

She reminded us to please buy tickets to her actual tour show at The Pavilion on September 23rd. 

It's a big step up from The Stand and Glee Club, where she toured previously. If we do, though, she won't stop doing her voiceover ads for a 'well-known supermarket', because that money is funding vital home renovations so she and her husband can move out of her parents' house. 

Go see her. She is funny*. 

* selected lines only; tickets subject to availability; offer ends September 23rd, 2026; invitation excludes misogynists called Gabriel; online booking fees may apply. 

Ticket Price: £12 x 2 plus £2.40 booking fee = £26.40 from See Tickets via GICF 

GICF: Mike Wozniak "The Bench", Citizens Theatre, Glasgow. Saturday 21st March 2026

So what do Yare Dabestanie Man by Fareydoon Foroughi, Which Side Are You On by The Almanac Singers, Ой, у лузі червона калина by гурт Ятрань, Sukiyaki by Kyu Sakamoto, La paloma de la paz by Chicho Sachez Ferlosio, Żeby Polska była Polską by Jan Pietrzak, E Depois Do Adeus by Paulo de Carvalho, St'armata! by Petros Pandis and 99 Luftballons by Nena all have in common?

You would know if you attended Mike Wozniak's show, though you might not have realised the answer at the time, unless, like me, you have an ear for the unusual (or a handy Shazam app). 

Mike arrives on stage dressed in his usual brown suit and immediately asks if there are any amateur (or professional) sleuths in the audience. He needs our help to solve a mystery over who burnt down his village's memorial bench. 

The list of pertinent characters is massive (practically everyone in the village gets a mention), though he tends to go around the houses, as it were, detailing the obscure minutiae of their relevance in case it helps. The level of detail gets so deep, it almost becomes tangential.  The humour comes from the most unexpected and surreal of places, such as (insert name), whose husband died in Namibia, from stubbing his toe... on a leopard. 

Having provided his evidence on the matter, the show's second half is much looser, as he asks the audience to shout out further questions, freewheeling in response, batting away our suspicions, and explaining why every culprit has an alibi 'to the max'.

I particularly enjoyed his explanation as to why he couldn't be the culprit. As secretary of the village's Northern Ireland Troubles Reenactment Society, he was appearing as Gerry Adams on the night in question at a secret meeting originally held in 1962.   

The ending is a delight as he casually drops the answer without realising it. 

And so the case remains unsolved.  

(Thankfully, there was no repeat of the seating fiasco that we'd witnessed at Mark Simmons. This time, the ushers scanned every ticket electronically as we entered to take our seats)

(The refurbished Citizens Theatre does not skimp on the lecky when it comes to auditorium lighting. They have so many bright light bulbs, you need sunglasses to look up).  

Ticket Price: 2 x £24.50 + Booking fee: £1.50  = Total: £50.50, direct from the Citizens Theatre website. 

GICF: BBC "Breaking The News" Recording, Drygate, Glasgow. Thursday 19th March, 2026

Host: Des Clarke

Panellists:
Raymond Mearns

Alexandra Haddow

Madeleine Brettingham
Ignacio Lopez

Audience Question: 

What is the biggest lie you've ever told, and why?

Topics:

Trump is demanding support from the Allies to protect the Strait of Hormuz

Inverness has been nominated for City of Culture 2029

Friends of the show: 

Phil Goodlad - Weather apps ruin attendance at Edinburgh Zoo - "just wear a jaiket". 

Nicola Meighan - Babies have learned deception before their first birthday. "Babies are liars".

Mystery Persons

Angela Rayner - warning that Labour is running out of time to make significant change.

Barbie - about the exhibition coming to Glasgow in the summer.

Final Quickfire round - 48% of workers say they want what?"

Klaxon - Martin Guissler "Shepherds Pie, cottage pie, what's the difference?"

On the way in, on the train, the youth sitting opposite snorted so often, as soon as the approaching platform message was announced, my wife made for the door, not even waiting for the train to stop. His disgusting behaviour was making her feel sick.

Ignacio's Spanish accent is so smooth.

Ticket Price: Free from BBC Tours and Shows. 

GICF: Mark Simmons "Jest to Impress", The Citizens Theatre, Glasgow. Wednesday 18th March, 2026

My first visit to the Citz since it reopened. I was unsure where to park and how heavy the traffic would be, so my wife agreed to let us leave early. How serendipitous that was. The street I usually park in on that side of town was closed due to roadworks. As we drove about, I somehow managed to find my way to the theatre's car park, which still had spaces. I snagged one spot, and within seconds every other space was filled, as if someone was finishing off a jigsaw. I watched one car fly round the car park to catch the last space near the entrance, only for another car to sweep in, turn right and snatch it from them. I thought there might be some argy-bargy, but no. Fortunately, another car drove off, leaving the disappointed party contented. 

Inside, the theatre looked gloriously modern, albeit with a few of the old touches, like the golden elephant-headed pillars. 

Although we were early, the cafe was already full, so we waited near the entrance to the performance space until the doors opened. The ticket scanners couldn't have been working, because we were allowed in after a cursory inspection of our printout, even though he was holding the relevant device.

We were among the first to take our seats, but it didn't take long for trouble to occur. As the place filled up, a dispute occurred over seating and rather than establish whose tickets were genuine, the usher offered the standing party different seats. Unfortunately, this only exacerbated the problem when those ticket holders arrived to find someone in their seats. He moved them too, and so on and so on. Then, a couple of minutes before the advertised showtime, a large couple arrived to find their seats taken, and they refused to accept alternative seats. They demanded to be seated in the seats they had chosen. A standoff occurred. The usher had to summon the duty manager, but given the extent of the problem and the limited time available, she struggled to get to the bottom of it and gave up after investigating the first three seat relocations. Fortunately, the lads in the large couple's seats agreed to be relocated again. The question remains: why didn't the usher summon the duty manager in the first place?

Ah, the irony of this picture.

The support act was Mark's mate and podcast buddy, Danny Ward. Danny's humour is described as being "observational, upbeat and well-honed; his easy-going style is both endearing and very funny". What I observed tonight was neither endearing nor funny. In the room, the only laughter appeared to come from those programmed to laugh, Pavlovian style, at any post-punchline pause. His jokes are well-honed, but to the point where the humour has been pared away. His material was weak, and his delivery felt mechanical. I did not enjoy him.

Interval snacks - Guinness and ice cream:
Well, it is the Gorbals on St Patrick's Day.

Mark's stage set includes a storage box (for his clipboard, notebooks, and a glass bowl filled with folded papers), a coatstand (bare), and a flipchart listing his set topics. 

Fortunately, Mark knows how to craft and deliver a joke down to the nth degree. He'd also cleverly structured the show to avoid one-liner overload, introducing elements like Mind Reading and Magic between topics. Inevitably, these bits were setups for more jokes. 

His longest joke involved recording the ages of most of the front two rows, then apologising for how long it took. "Sorry about that. Took ages." (wiggles eyebrows).

At the start of the show, he wore a tuxedo. Over the course of the evening, he took off his jacket, then his bowtie, swapped his brogues for trainers, his trousers for jogging bottoms and removed his shirt, revealing a vest, which he covered with a hoodie. I anticipated a punchline along the lines of "Got to jog off now. That's the end of the show." Then he'd turn back and say, "Did you like the running gag?" What he actually did was far cleverer. 

Mark is a master of funny. Shame it hasn't rubbed off on his support act.    

Ticket Price: £48.00 (for two tickets, includes a booking fee (£2) and venue fee (£2) per ticket) from SEE Tickets

GICF: Bridget Christie "Jacket Potato Pizza Tour", Theatre Royal, Glasgow. Sunday 15h March, 2026

A bonus gig after we decided to bring forward Mother's Day for our respective parents. Despite the late purchase, we still managed to snag tickets for the middle of the Dress Circle.

No support act, just Bridget performing both Acts. At 54, she is thriving as a single divorcee, enjoying life, looking amazing in her black jeans, white t-shirt and showbiz leather jacket, complete with sleeve tassels. I couldn't see any reason why Stewart Lee wouldn't want to be with her, even with her kidney stones. Listening to her perform, it's easy to hear the distinct rhythm they share in their comedy. 

In the first section, she had a good bit on imagining being friends with Melania Trump, taking her phone call and having to guess what her husband had done this time to upset her. Acting out the bit where an ex of hers requested she go cross-eyed to help him get off during intercourse was also hilarious, though the audience got so far ahead of her that she refused to say the punchline. The long-winded story from the friend who doesn't remember specifics and gets distracted by tangents finished the first act (which lasted thirty minutes, not twenty, as billed).

The broad audience demographic surprised me, everything from teens to pensioners, with no one group dominating. I put this down to the Taskmaster effect, with her appearing in series 13 of the show (2022). 

The second half was amusing but not as funny, starting with a bit about the date who made her a dinner of a dry pizza base topped by a dry jacket potato, moving on to the gender politics of the Netflix series Adolescence (she's allowed to do Stephen Graham's accent because they laughed in Liverpool at it), then the risks of a menopausal woman having sex with an anotomically male robot in a specialised brothel in Amsterdam, to misconstruing a medical diagnosis requiring vigorous intercourse to dislodge her too-risky-for-ultrasound-treatment kidney stones.

She tied up the ending nicely with a surprise callback from the first act, though it felt like a bit of a cheat the way she dropped it in to finish. 

She made us laugh, but she wasn't roll-in-the-aisles funny. The show might have worked better in a smaller performance space, where it was easier to watch her facial expressions sell the comedy.   

Ticket Price: £27.70 x 2 & £3.95 transaction fee = £59.35 from ATG

Breaking The News Recording, Drygate, Glasgow Thursday 20th March 2025

Host: Des Clarke
Panellists: Marjolein Robertson, Ria Lina, Robin Ince & Gareth Waugh

(My second time seeing Ria Lina in less than twenty-four hours). 

With these free radio recordings, getting confirmation of a ticket does not guarantee entry. The promoters always oversubscribe. I knew we had to get there early, but I didn't appreciate how early. 

We arrived at Drygate at noon, an hour before the doors opened, and the queue was already beyond the carpark. My fret levels were high, only tempered by how gorgeous a day it was. I needn't have worried. Though it was a sellout, we were number 122 and 123 in the queue for a 200-seat capacity room. We bought a drink and some food (the coffee was free) and settled outside to eat our lunch while we waited to be called to enter the recording studio.

The numbering system was important, as the production team invited the audience into the studio numerically in increments of 25. We ended up with seats near the back, with good sightlines of the panellists.

The show itself was hilarious. The recording lasted two hours for a thirty-minute show, and I had to wipe tears of laughter from my eyes on multiple occasions. The panellists often went off-topic, much to the consternation of the producer talking in Des's ear. Never mind Breaking The News; these guys were Breaking The Show. I have no idea how they'll cut the material down to thirty minutes and still make it make sense. 

The scriptwriters even wrote up-to-date material during the recording for Des to deliver at the very end, in this case, about Nicola Sturgeon facing no action by Police Scotland in their investigation of the SNP's finances. 

As with many comedy shows, it's difficult to remember what made you laugh, but Robin shared an old Billy Connolly joke, whose punchline goes, "Now you know how it feels when it's your mother." That one won't make the edit.

I don't know if the recordings are always as good as this one, but I highly recommend you go and find out for yourself if you get the chance.

Ticket price: Free 

Kieran Hodgson, 'Big In Scotland', King's Theatre, Glasgow. Friday 29th March, 2024

This show was on my list to see at last year's Edinburgh Fringe, but I somehow didn't get around to it. So, when this performance was announced as part of the GICF, I immediately purchased two tickets, snagging front-row Grand Circle seats. Brilliant!

Then I noticed the date. This was the same night Elaine C Smith was playing the King's. Surely they couldn't have double-booked the theatre. There must be some mistake. Ah, yes, mine. Her show starts at eight o'clock, this one at six. I'm working till six. Bugger, bugger, bugger, bollocks.

Fortunately, I was able to swap my holidays around to get the day off. Phew!

On the week of the show, two things happened. My wife caught Covid (contrary to Tory propaganda, it hasn't gone away). And I hurt my back, giving me the kind of intense spasms that make me look like an old man being electrocuted whenever my pain relief wears off. 

I hoped my wife would recover, and, indeed, she tested negative on the day, but she couldn't go, still too washed out to attend, so I went on my own. If nothing else, I could use the spare legroom for stretching if my back tightened. I promised her I'd bring home a Chinese takeaway afterwards, given my cooking skills would only give her food poisoning on top of her lingering covid symptoms. 

I drove into Glasgow listening to Radiohead's OK Computer (OKNOTOK 1997, 2017 edition), an album by a band my wife detests. Their song, Karma Police, was in my head, having just watched episode three of the 3 Body Problem.

I planned to pay to park on the street for an hour or so until parking became free at 6 p.m. Then I saw the charge: £1.40 for fifteen minutes? Hell, no. It was cheaper than a multi-storey, but still way too expensive. 

Then it occurred to me that parking charges are really just a form of insurance. You pay to protect yourself from the risk of a possible parking ticket. I weighed up the chances of a warden appearing at that time of night, then sat in the car for another fifteen minutes, listening to more of the album before heading to the venue, keeping an eye out for parking attendants. The way I was hobbling, having sat in the car for that little bit longer, I could have probably convinced them I'd forgotten my non-existent blue disabled badge.

My colleagues may be surprised to learn you CAN enjoy the theatre with a bad back.

The music playing prior to the show was quite catchy: Manic Street Preachers as I arrived, then Catatonia next. I figured Kieran for a fan of 90s pop music. This was followed by Tom Jones with Stereophonics and Charlotte Church, and I noticed a theme emerging. Shirley Bassey came next, finishing with Bonnie Tyler's Holding Out For A Hero. This show was "Big In Scotland", right? Not "Big In Wales"? 

Dressed in the red tartan jacket from the promotional material, Kieran bounded onto the stage and regaled us with the theme of the show, explaining that he was now, in fact, Scottish despite being born in Yorkshire and previously living in London. Quickly, I realised this wasn't stand-up. This was theatre but with jokes. Essentially an extended monologue, I sensed even the asides to the audience were rehearsed. 

We learned what he was like before he got the part of Gordon in Two Doors Down (or Next Door But One, as one character refers to it) and how he felt he needed to change, having let down a close friend with an inappropriate best-man speech. He then escorted us on his journey to becoming a better person, to becoming Scottish. It was slick, beautifully performed and very funny. It had the important through-line that ex-PM Gordon Brown expected, tied up all the narrative threads, completed his character arc and even finished with a punchline that explained the music playing before the show. This show definitely deserved its 2023 Edinburgh Award nomination.  

  

Even better, I didn't get a parking ticket. That's £4.20 saved towards a future fine. 

Ticket Price: £20.50 plus transaction fees (£3.95) from ATG.

I don't know where the hoop screw came from
but I knew it shouldn't be on the ledge