Saturday, 21 March 2026

Mike Wokniak "The Bench", Citizens Theatre, Glasgow. Saturday 21st March 2026


So what do Yare Dabestanie Man by Fareydoon Foroughi, Which Side Are You On by The Almanac SingersОй, у лузі червона калина by гурт Ятрань, Sukiyaki by Kyu Sakamoto, La paloma de la paz by Chicho Sachez FerlosioŻeby Polska była Polską by 
Jan Pietrzak, E Depois Do Adeus by Paulo de Carvalho, St'armata! by Petros Pandis and 99 Luftballons by Nena all have in common?

You would know if you attended Mike Wozniak's show, though you might not have realised the answer at the time, unless, like me, you have an ear for the unusual (or a handy Shazam app). 

Mike arrives on stage dressed in his usual brown suit and immediately asks if there are any amateur (or professional) sleuths in the audience. He needs our help to solve a mystery over who burnt down his village's memorial bench. 

The list of pertinent characters is massive (practically everyone in the village gets a mention), though he tends to go around the houses, as it were, detailing the obscure minutiae of their relevance in case it helps. The level of detail gets so deep, it almost becomes tangential.  The humour comes from the most unexpected and surreal of places, such as (insert name), whose husband died in Namibia, from stubbing his toe... on a leopard. 

Having provided his evidence on the matter, the show's second half is much looser, as he asks the audience to shout out further questions, freewheeling in response, batting away our suspicions, and explaining why every culprit has an alibi 'to the max'.

I particularly enjoyed his explanation as to why he couldn't be the culprit. As secretary of the village's Northern Ireland Troubles Reenactment Society, he was appearing as Gerry Adams on the night in question at a secret meeting originally held in 1962.   

The ending is a delight as he casually drops the answer without realising it. 

And so the case remains unsolved.  

(Thankfully, there was no repeat of the seating fiasco that we'd witnessed at Mark Simmons. This time, the ushers scanned every ticket electronically as we entered to take our seats)

(The refurbished Citizens Theatre does not skimp on the lecky when it comes to auditorium lighting. They have so many bright light bulbs, you need sunglasses to look up).  

Ticket Price: 2 x £24.50 + Booking fee: £1.50  = Total: £50.50, direct from the Citizens Theatre website. 

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