Martin Metcalfe & The Fornicators @ The Bungalow, Paisley. Fri 20th July 2018

I loved Goodbye Mr. Mackenzie when I was a youth, travelling across Scotland to go to their gigs. I was at Tower Records in Argyll Street when they launched 'Hammer and Tongs' getting my cassette tape insert signed by all the band. I even attended their last ever gig at the Garage in Glasgow, hoping Shirley might return but she didn't.

I didn't know their main man, Martin Metcalfe, was still gigging until I saw the advert for tonight's gig on FB. Snapping up two tickets for what turned out to be a less than sold out performance (with a bit of confusion in advance over whether a Paypal receipt counted as a ticket - I didn't know the Bungalow didn't send out confirmations), I went along to my first ever gig at this particular venue.

It is small. Intimate might be a nicer description. From the back of the room to the stage is maybe ten feet (and still some plonkers stood right in front of us - serves me right for wanting something to lean on).

The support act, 'In the Plughole', came on at 8.30pm and played some neat punk tunes for about 45mins. The big bloke singing had a great earthy voice and sweated like a fountain. His obesity had me worried he might suffer a coronary. Enjoyable though - the tunes, not the fear of a heart attack.

When I saw Martin walking about near the merch table, I didn't recognise him with his long beard, bald head and sunglasses. Dressed all in black, he could have just been some tall, trendy punter. Then I heard him speak, his East coast brogue still strong, and it clicked who he was.

Playing a semi-acoustic set, Martin and his three Fornicators began at the beginning with the first Mackenzie album. Hearing him sing sent me back in time. My body remained planted in the present, jiggling and singing along, but my mind went back to 1989, listening to those tapes and later CDs, the lyrics coming back like it was yesterday.

They played lots from the first two albums plus an Angelfish track, the title song from the "New Town Killers" soundtrack, which Martin co-write with director and Skids lead singer Richard Jobson, and a cover of Walk on the Wildside, finishing on a rousing 'Amsterdam', all in giving us almost ninety minutes of fresh memories.

The crowd, no more than two-score-and-ten in number and probably mostly around that in age, were suitably appreciative, with only a little jeering over Martin's frequent mentioning of Glasgow instead of Paisley.

A good night.

The one thing I didn't understand was why the venue didn't turn off the flat screen tv that was beside the stage. My eyes were often drawn to the BBC News channel with its live subtitles distracting me from the performance. I didn't need to see the latest Trump fiasco, the Novachok victim tributes or the Open highlights. It was a gig. Give some respect to the band. Seeing the clock was handy though.

(photos not great as I had to zoom between the four heads in front).

TRNSMT Fri 6th July 2018: Queen + Adam Lambert, Texas, Alabama 3, The Darkness, The Temperance Movement.

3.20pm-4.00pm THe Temperance Movement: First time I've seen them, good sound, great singer, gruff in the style of Frankie Miller.

4.30 pm - 5.15pm The Darkness: one song wonders that have extended the joke so long they've forgotten where the line between pantomime and farce is. Only enjoyed their last song, I believe in a thing called love.

5.45-6.20pm Alabama 3: missed most of them because I went for food and the queues were loooooong. Bizarre act with some groovy tunes. They look like they were either assembled from failed American Idol acts or are a modern-day PC version of the Village People. Enjoyed.

7.05-8.05pm Texas: Sharleen got her home crowd wowed with a run through of the hits, both modern and old, with a bit of banter and singalong. Finished with a crowd pleaser - Suspicious Minds - Brilliant.

8.50pm-10.50pm Queen - Amazing. They might be dinosaurs but with a new genetically modified lead singer in place, they really kick it out there. Adam has style, charisma, a strong voice with a huge range and fits in well, while still giving the original members their place as elder statesmen. You can't lose when the back catalogue is this immense, his singing is superb and the visual elements are like the cherry on top. My voice is hoarse from singing along.

The end of this gig might be the only time I sing God Save the Queen and mean it.

Fan-wise, the only trouble we encountered was with a flag lady, who really got on the nerves of the punters behind us. She eventually got doused with what I presume was beer. It might have been salted. She lowered it shortly afterwards.

Some toddlers played some mean air guitar on the shoulders of their parents and gave it the devil horns to salute their heroes.

Worryingly, the festival site was infiltrated by aliens with glitter cheek insignias from 1960's Dr Who. It must have been contagious as some of the men who had fraternised with said ladies showed sparkly facial symptoms later. One lady looked like her condition had spread to her entire dress. If any of those with this dermatological symptom present at the pharmacy tomorrow, I'll need to refer them to the RAH.

Finally, thank you, Alison Boyd, for allowing us to share your spot on the rear barrier. The shade, raised platform and backrest proved very effective and the view was still very good.

Tonight I did have a good time. Thank you Queen.

(Sorry GUN, but I didn't want to miss the main act).

Queen's Setlist

Seven Seas of Rhye (first two verses only)

Tie Your Mother Down 

Play the Game

Fat Bottomed Girls

Killer Queen

Don't Stop Me Now

Bicycle Race (without first verse)

I'm in Love With My Car

Another One Bites the Dust

I Want It All

The Bonnie Banks o' Loch Lomond ([traditional] cover)

Love of My Life (Brian May solo acoustic, with a live clip of Freddie Mercury)

Somebody to Love

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Drum Battle

Under Pressure

I Want to Break Free

You Take My Breath Away (snippet)

Who Wants to Live Forever

Last Horizon (Brian May cover)

Guitar Solo

The Show Must Go On

Radio Ga Ga

Bohemian Rhapsody

Encore:

Day-Oh

(Freddie Mercury sing-along from Live at Wembley '86)

We Will Rock You

We Are the Champions

God Save the Queen (Thomas Augustine Arne song)

Marti Pellow, The Private Collection Tour, Royal Concert Hall, Glasgow. Mon 11th June, 2018

Support act, Ben McKelvie, confidently strummed his guitar in a style more akin to Billy Bragg than Ed Sheeran, but with less message, and got me going 'why did I get here early for this.'

When Marti took to the stage, hips swaying and shimmering in his black sequined jacket, the audience dripped vaginally with excitement, like a hen night attending a Magic Marti strip show but with more clothes on. I'd look around and think she's wet, she's wet and she's wet. I get it now. That's where they got the name from.

As the coiffured hotties whooped for their hero, rising to their feet for the old tunes, leaving their husbands and boyfriends sitting, they all soaked up every smile and became faint each time he approached the front or sides of the stage. It didn't matter to them that he had altered the arrangements to make them more groovy and less catchy. They were too dazzled by the spotlights reflecting off his teeth.

When he grabbed a granny from the front row and danced with her for an entire song, the whiff of jealousy in the room was pervasive. As the song continued, I began to wonder if the woman had angina as her dancing slowed to the point of boredom and he had to jolly her up with a grin.

Later, when he sat down at the front of the stage and reflected on being 20 years drink and drug-free, telling a heartfelt tale of being in rehab in Memphis, I was struck by the irony of him being interrupted by multiple drunk lassies screeching that they loved him.

He's still got a great voice and has a stage personality that the ladies love but, to me, this was just an okay gig. My wife, however, rated it very highly, her second favourite gig of the year behind Billy Joel. I guess you had to be standing to appreciate it fully.

Doug Stanhope, 02 Academy, Glasgow. Fri 8th June 2018

I wasn't on Facebook three years ago the last time Doug played Glasgow, also at the same venue. That night, five separate brawls broke out and a total of nine people were ejected. I witnessed the comedy of the bouncers asking the people sitting in row 2 and 3 to step into the aisle so they could break up the punchup in the centre between the two rows. This was during Doug's bit on the mentally challenged vs the mentally ill.

Tonight's gig was a lot friendlier and he said so. He put it down to our recent, unusually-fine weather.

But was he funny?

Starting by reading his post-show public apology, he moved onto bits about the penalties for insulting the King of Thailand, gang rapes by weak Indian men, #metoo, racism, ageism and closed with dead babies, so I'd say, 'Yes, he was'. In context.

He goes to places we don't want to go (Indiana) and finds the angles to make his material original and challenging, not to make a point (often), just for a laugh. Because he finds it funny. Expression of the night: "ocular bukkake".

Sure, some of the audience laughed a little too hard, like they were using the opportunity to express a deep-rooted phlegm ball. Sure, the crappy narrow seats meant the beast beside me (not you, Louise) invaded my space giving me temporary hip dysplasia. Sure, a bearded man chatted me up by tapping me on the shoulder and remarking how much he liked my T-shirt (see below) - so what, I'm comfortable in my clothes (plus he wasn't chatting me up).

But the important thing was I had fun, surely the point of going to see a comedian.

Gary Barlow, The Theatre Tour, BHGE Arena, Aberdeen, Sat 21st Apr 2018

It was an odd 'theatre' show, being held as it was in the 4,500-seating, echoey shed which is Aberdeen's Arena.

The support was a solo KT Tunstall (she introduced her band as all being from Taiwan). She's a confident, professional performer but surrounded by tech and starting each track building her sound loops she came across as a fancy busker. Good banter though.

Gary, without his boys, brought an eight-piece band and two backing singers but really only came into his own when performing solo at the piano. I didn't rate his numbers from his musicals or the swing versions of TT tunes. The crowd must have thought so too as there was a lot of loud, annoyingly screechy chatting, a symptom of their distraction. However, he really hit his stride at the end with 'Let me go', 'Relight my fire' and 'Cry' finishing 'Rule the World' and 'Never Forget'.

He might not be to everyone's taste but he gives good show. His patter is proficient to whip up the girls' enthusiasm, he's got the moves and actions of a seasoned performer and I could imagine this show playing Vegas (if anyone in America knew who he was).

Asides:
I'm pleased the really tall bloke two rows in front of my wife remained perched on the back of his seat. He could see fine this way anyway.

I wondered if the granny beside me wore perfume to mask the smell of her decay or if it was just the smell of her perfume. I was amused when the crowd management gorilla told her to put away her fancy camera when all around camera phones were capturing the show.

On the way out I managed to display what a poor stunt man I am by tripping over a plastic traffic barrier, falling into an idling vehicle waiting to exit the car park. No permanent injury to me but perhaps a handprint on the car door where I tried to avoid hitting the ground.

It then took over 45mins to get out of the venue car park. Or did I just wait out of embarrassment?

Setlist

Since I Saw You Last
Greatest Day (Take That song)
These Days (Take That song)
Live Those Years Again
Open Road
Pray (Take That song)
A Million Love Songs (Take That song)
Something About This Night
Dare
Another Crack in My Heart (Take That song)
Love Ain't Here Anymore (Take That song)
Sure (Take That song)
Everything Changes(Take That song)
Could It Be Magic (Barry Manilow cover)
Shine (Take That song)
Said It All (Take That song)
Forever Love
Love Won't Wait
Patience (Take That song)
Back for Good (Take That song)
Let Me Go
Relight My Fire (Dan Hartman cover)
Cry (Sigma cover)
Rule the World (Take That song)
Never Forget (Take That song)